-?-

I ask her a lot of questions. And not just your typical, everyday, matter of fact questions. I ask hard questions. I put her on the spot. And I do it often.

I ask why she loves me. I ask her to explain how she loves me. She tries piecing her words together. I make her compare different types of love. I ask how she’d feel if anything ever happened to me, or if she woke up tomorrow and I was gone. I ask her how she’d act. I ask what she’d want of mine. I ask how long it’d take her to move on. I ask ask ask, and she answers. Eventually, I stop.

Then I ask if I can read to her. It’s late. And she has to get up early. But I still ask. She says yes. Not that I really enjoy reading out loud. It’s not that at all. I just want to read, but I don’t want her to fall asleep. I want her to fall asleep with me. So aloud, I read a chapter, and it’s starting to get really good. She might be bored. I ask if I can read again to her tomorrow. Without hesitation, of course, she says. I put the book down. I roll over to face her.

Nose to nose. Reading light still on. She brings her hands up to my cheeks. I bring my hands to her hands. We lay in silence looking into one another. We’re so close that our shadows make it seem dark. I can see her big blue eyes. She opens her mouth to talk. She begins explaining. A tear rolls from her eye over my finger. Without saying much at all, I begin reading her. She’s answering a question. Now I understand how she loves me. I just can’t figure out why.

-8 TRAITS OF MY PERFECT LOVER-

The rules: The tagged victim (me) lists 8 different points of their perfect lover/partner, mentioning the sex of said partner.

Their Sex: Female.

The Act of Sex: Warm me up. Make it hot. Cool me down. Listen to what I ask for, and try to deliver. You won’t get me off every time, so don’t expect to. If that disappoints you, let me know, and I’ll fake it for a couple months, then dump you once I’m totally bored. Your goal in bed with me is to make me feel good and make me feel closer to you, every time. I'll do the same.

1-You should be confident not only in yourself, but in me as well.

2-You should be more of the romantic. I am the lesser.

3-You must be ambitious and eager about things for your own life, because that will inspire me to share it with you.

4-You have to realize that I am a Gemini and with that comes 2 personalities on their own agenda. You’ll have to be able to adjust yours. Sue me. I’m moody. It’ll be best if you are laid back about it. If you’re not, we’ll fight. I’ll win. You’ll get dumped.

5-You have to be athletic. I will want to sleep with you at night, kiss you in the morning, and throw the football during the day.

6-You have to be smart, not a genius, but smart. I should learn something from you everyday.

7-You’ll have to love my family. If you can’t...there’s no way you can love me.

8-Simply want me. Never need me.

-PUMP UP THE VOLUME-

I did this company review thing at work back in like November or something. It was a pretty big deal. It’s kind of my boss’s way of finding out what’s going on in people’s heads at work...what we love...what we hate...what will make us better...etc. Anyways, it took me like 3 hours to complete the damn questionnaire...and it was completely anonymous, so that’s good for people who are afraid of what the boss men may think. Me though...I made sure they’d know which questionnaire was mine.

For the most part I answered all of the questions honestly and thoughtfully, but when a question popped up kinda like this...”What do you think would improve worker morale for yourself and/or throughout the agency?” my answer was only obvious. I took the opportunity to put in a request for speakers for Alisha’s computer, so I can turn my music up louder (the factory laptop speakers are too weak). I specifically requested the JBL Creature Speakers, because they match my computer, they’re only a hundred bucks, and they rock out. I didn’t feel like I was asking for too much.

So a month went by, and nothing. No response. No speakers. I gave up hope, and over the Christmas holiday I bought the speakers with my own money. Then, just this Monday, my boss spoke up in our big Monday Morning Meeting and said that they’d reviewed the surveys, and he thanked everyone for doing them, and yadda yadda. They plan on sharing the findings with us next month, after they figure out who said what. (He was kidding.) But before the meeting was over I said aloud, “I’m the one who requested the speakers.”

I just assumed they over-looked my request, and thought I was joking. But not 30 minutes later my boss passed me in the hall, and said to me, “JBL right? The JBL Creature speakers.” I was amazed. I guess they really are paying attention.

-TOOTY McTOOTERSON-

Most of you probably don’t know this about me...

I have the worst gas of anyone I have ever come into contact with. Seriously, I think something is dead inside of me. When I pass gas, I can easily clear a room...myself included. And I get it on a daily basis. Just doesn’t seem right.

Any suggestions for what I can do to help with this? I tried googling it, but no luck. I think I may be the only person in the world with this problem.

-AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?-

So I watched the Golden Globes last night, and apparently Brokeback Mountain is an amazing movie. Supposedly that movie is what our American culture needed in order to change society’s stereotypical views of gay men. But quite honestly, it only confirmed mine.

Two guys spend 3 months alone on a mountain, and they end up getting together. The FIRST time they hook up, it’s an overly-aggressive, bend over and take it from behind kind of act. (It was not love. It was disgusting. It would be disgusting even watching a guy and girl go at it like that. That scene alone did it for me and this overrated movie, and it didn’t get much better.) Anyways, the cowboys eventually leave the mountain and marry women, but they continue to meet once or twice a year to “fish” (pack fudge with one another). Even through all of this, it was clearly still never love for the both of them. It was simply butt-humping for one guy, and a sissy-punk cowboy’s addiction to being butt-humped. In the end, one of the gay cowboys gets killed, and yeah that’s sad. But you can’t go around as a married man, making eyes with a bunch of straight men and not expect to get your ass whooped. In his case, he was beat to death.

So call me a hypocrite. Call me what you want. Yes I am a woman. And yes I love one. But I guarantee that if you put me on film to show you my love story and to help society understand gay women you better believe it wouldn’t turn out like this overrated flick. Maybe this movie helped mother’s of gay sons...maybe it helped closet-cases deal with their sexuality...I don’t know. But for me this movie was a poor Hollywood display of mistaking love for something completely outrageous.

But regardless of what I think, the Golden Globe goes to...you guessed it. Brokeback Mountain.

-MY DAD-

He’s a real nice guy, and a good dad too. I’m his only child. Ya know, his baby girl. He’s always been real good about how he teaches me things and disciplines me. He never beat me or anything growing up (well, there was that one time...just kiddin’.) He told me what to do at times, but mostly just gave me advice to live by. Whether I took it or left it, I’d learn.

Now, I’m 24, and he still tries to tell me what to do occasionally. His most recent gripe...”You need to stop cussing on your blog.” Yes, I let him read my blog, and yeah I cuss a little bit. It’s not like he can ground me or anything. He can’t judge me or disown me either. I’m his only child. Anyways, he sent me this email today, and I thought it was cute...
--
YOUR BLOG SITE STORY ABOUT DARCI UNKNOWINGLY SAVING UP TO BUY YOU A RING IS HILARIOUS...YOU REALLY ARE SLY LIKE YOUR MOM...AND THERE IS NO PROFANITY IN THE STORY...VERY NICE INDEED...

BE CAREFUL ABOUT LISTING YOUR EMPLOYMENT FOO FOO'S LIKE THE TARGET STEREO THANG...DO NOT JEOPARDIZE YOUR PRIVACY...

SEEN ANY ARMADILLOS LATELY????????

I SLAUGHTERED THE DEER IN BRADY...UNFORGETTABLE...IT WAS GREAT...

KAREN ASTON E-MAILED AND SAID SHE IS READY TO BUY A MOTORCYCLE...

TAKE CARE ...I LOVE YOU...
--
He’s all over the place, but he sure is funny.

-FOUR-

4 JOBS I'VE HAD:
-At 14, Food Lion
(gave a fake social just to work with my best friend...they didn’t hire 14 year olds)
-At 15, Target
(gave myself a rather large employee discount on a stereo...got fired.)
-Ages 16-18, Angel Computer Resources
-Ages 21-current, McGarrah/Jessee Ad Agency

4 MOVIES I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
-The Notebook
-Top Gun
-Goodwill Hunting
-Big Daddy

4 PLACES I HAVE LIVED:
-Dallas, Texas
-Raleigh, North Carolina
-Lewisville, Texas
-Austin, Texas

4 TV SHOWS I LOVE TO WATCH:
-The L Word
-Sportscenter
-College Gameday
-Charlie Brown Holiday Specials

4 PLACES I HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:
-Hawaii
-Sacramento-San Fran, LA
-New York
-St. Thomas Virgin Islands

4 OF MY FAVORITE FOODS:
-Sushi
-Broccoli
-Avocado ‘n Eggs
-Chipotle Burrito Bowl

4 PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
-Skiing
-Hiking
-Biking
-Doing Yoga on the Beach

-THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE RING?-

Normally, my alarm clock rings at 7 every morning. Darci gets up first, lets Tanner out, feeds him, then makes me breakfast. About 5 to 10 minutes later I wake up, start a pot of coffee, and go take my shower while Darci continues making breakfast. (She’s a real good girlfriend like that.) When I get out...We sit down...Eat...Then she does the dishes while I go finish getting ready for work.

Around 8 or so, we leave for work, together. She drops me off. Calls me 3 or 4 times throughout the day, and picks me up around 6 when my day is over.

That was then.

Now, Darci has a job at Waterloo waiting tables from like 6 am to 3 pm everyday. Do you know what that means? No really, do you have any idea? I don’t think you do.

That means what used to be a 7 o’clock wake up time, is now 5 o’clock...in the morning. It’s still dark at 5 am, people.

Yeah, and what’s even better, around 5:05 this morning I was the one slaving over the stove, making her breakfast, while she ran around the house getting ready for work. And that’s cool though, because the way I see it, working 8 hours a day, she has the potential to make AT LEAST 50 bucks a day in tips. And that’s on a slow day, not even including hourly wage.

I don’t know if she knows this, but after working only 50 shifts at Waterloo, she’ll have enough money to buy me that ring she’s saving up for. I don’t know if she knows this either, but since she got this new job...she’s saving up for a ring.

That Darci. She sure is sweet.

-MY LETTER TO VINCE-

And yes, you better believe that I'm really gonna send it to him.
--

Vince,

Let me just get this out of the way first in case it makes a difference…This letter comes to you from a former UT student-athlete (Alisha Sare-Women’s Basketball 1999-2003), so please don’t toss this to the side thinking I’m some kind of crazed fan. I’m not. I’m not a jersey-chasin' groupie. I don't want to become your friend. I’m not going to ask you to write back. I’m just a normal athlete who happened to have an awesome senior year at UT. I only want to share my perspective with you with the hopes that you don’t miss out on one of the most amazing experiences in your life.

My time at Texas was by far the best 4 years of my life up to this point. It taught me more about life than I ever thought I’d learn, and I had a blast every step of the way. Just by seeing the strides you made your sophomore to junior year, and the look on your face when you play your game, I’m guessing you’d say much of the same about your time at UT as well.

On the field you look like a poised polished man, having the time of his life playing a kid’s game. And that’s the way it should be. I’m not about to rant about you coming back to Texas for a shot at another National Title, or for a chance at the Heisman. I could really care less about that stuff.

To me, sports in general are nothing more than a game, regardless of whether you play collegiately or professionally. Already, because you’ve proven yourself, the game of football will always take care of you. Whether it’s to get your college degree or make buhgillions ($$$) in the NFL, your passion and talent will continue to grow and lead you wherever you want to go, no matter what.

My only hope is that you don’t leave behind is something you can never get back…and that’s your senior year of college. That’s what this letter is really about. Whether you’re a bench-riding, no-talent-having, walk-on, or a Superstar Heisman Candidate, the senior year of college makes such a huge impact on your life.

The money, the fame, the competition, the game, the NFL…all of that…will always be there for you. And as for The University of Texas…the fans, the team, the coaches, the school...you’ve already done more than enough for all of them. Staying for your senior year would no doubt make all of those people happy, but this isn’t about everybody else. They will have to let go of Vince Young at some point, just like they did with Applewhite and Simms. What’s most important is you…and that you leave this university fulfilled.

You can have your NFL rookie year whenever you decide, but now is the only time that you can be a senior. I’d hate for you to miss out on that experience. You can play 15 years in the NFL and it never make the same impression as if you just play your senior year in college. At Texas, everyone who has a hand in it this next year will do everything in their power to make “Vince’s senior year” an amazing one. Please don’t pass it by.

All the Best to You,
Alisha

-CHAMPIONSHISH...-

Kabobs, that is.

Last night, in preparation for our Rose Bowl watching party (it was really just me and Darci), we made a lovely dinner. The championshishkabobs alone, made for a perfect victory dinner. Green bell peppers, red bell peppers, onions, portabella mushrooms, shrimp, steak, chicken and bacon all on a heavy-duty metal double-pronged skewer...mmmm mmm mm. That’s how champions eat.

But, I also find it rather interesting that the Waterford crystal glasses that we drank our wine from, closely resemble that of the crystal used for our new Championship trophy. Coincidence? I think not.

BEFORE

AFTER

DINNER CRYSTAL

-LIFE & DEATH OF AN ARMADILLO-

The Armadillo is born.
It learns to dig.
It digs up Alisha’s flowerbeds (therefore pissing Alisha off).
On the night of January 3rd it was caught digging behind Alisha’s house (pissing Alisha off more and causing her to get her gun).
Alisha takes aim.
The Armadillo hears a loud “boom!”
It jumps.
It dies.
The digging ends.
But the flowerbeds survive.

-ALISHA’S BEST OF THE BLOG 2005-

BIGGEST AUDIENCE RESPONSE IN ‘05
September’s -”PLAY THAT SHIT!”-
(17 comments)
CLICK HERE

MOST REAL POST OF ‘05
December’s-BLOG vs. JOURNAL-
CLICK HERE

MOST DIFFICULT TO WRITE IN ‘05
October’s-JUST DEALING-
CLICK HERE

MOST THANKFUL POST OF ‘05
November’s-THANK YOU ROOMATES.COM-
CLICK HERE

THE ‘05 POST THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER WITH PICTURES
December’s-”EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT IN THERE.”-
CLICK HERE

THE LONGEST POST YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T READ IN ‘05
October’s-CONVERSATION: CULLEN’S COLONY-
CLICK HERE

BEST POST BY THE COUNSELOR IN ‘05
December’s-SINCE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT-
CLICK HERE

MOST IMPRESSIVE SHOUT-OUT OF ‘05
Rachael’s-AIR SARE-
CLICK HERE

-THE WEEKEND IN PICTURES-

THEME: A New Year's celebration sealed with a kiss.

New Year’s Eve dinner with my Darci.


The neighbor’s kids, although the one on the left could be mine. Look at those cheeks!


It’s downhill from here. White Trash New Year’s at Da House...here we come.



Nothing says “white trash” like a homemade thong tha thong thong thong.


I have no idea...


A White Trash welcome to 2006.

-HAPPY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS-

2006 promises to be a year of fulfilling resolutions:

1. NO BREAK-UPS-The past 4 years of my life have been tainted by love being lost. Not this year.

2. SEXUAL AFFECTION EVERY SINGLE DAY-Whether it’s making-out or making love. Some kinda sumn sumn is going down every 24 hours or less. And why not? Love makes the world go ‘round.

3. I’M TAKING AN ACTING CLASS-Not to become an actor, but to express myself in a new kind of way. I perfected the car singing performances in 2005. I take the stage in ‘06. Take 1....snap!