-FLOWERS 4 ME...2 DAYS IN A ROW-

1-800-Flowers screwed up. Darci caught 'em.

The result?

I get more flowers.

I love my girl.

-MY BABY’S COMING HOME-

And she is the sweetest thing ever.

-YOU’VE CLEARLY GOT AN EATING DISORDER-

This is some funny shit here. So I was home for the holidays right. And at my house in Lewisville my dad always keeps a hella stock of bottled water on hand, so I drink like two bottles at a time all day and night long. You know, being that I’m an ex-athlete...I like to drink the water in mass-consumption. That’s just what I do.

So get this. I was sitting at the dinner table playing poker with a bunch of friends, and just as I go to take a huge gulp of water my best friend Heather says something hilarious. Needless to say, I laughed, and had water coming out of my ears, nose and mouth. It was quite a spectacle. But out of know where, before I knew it...my mom (who weighs a skinny 106 lbs) started bitching me out. “Alisha you need to chill out on the water! You are drinking too much too fast, and it just made you throw up. Do you have an eating disorder? You know people who have eating disorders drink water like you do, and then they throw up.”

Holy shit I thought to myself. Me and my healthy 140 pound body were dumbfounded. I didn’t know how to respond to that. I just raised my Dasani in the air, wiped the spewed water from my chin, and threw back some more of that high-quality H2O. Cheers to you mom. You lunatic.

Now this is the killer though...

While I was being cussed out in the kitchen for drinking too much water...My dad was in the game room getting wasted on his 11th shot of whiskey. And at the same time, my cousin was smoking a blunt and gambling all of the money in his wallet on a single game of pool.

But clearly...my water addiction was the biggest problem we had in the Sare household this holiday season.

Happy Holidays.
--
This is Heather and I. She's the funny one who made me laugh with the water in my mouth.

-ON OCCASION-

I send my client Bloggertainment. But I just copy and paste certain postings into an email for her, because I can’t have her running around with my blog link at Whataburger Corporate Headquarters. That could get me fired if the wrong person got their hands on it.

Well, I just sent her the “5 Things” post from below, and she sent back 5 things about her. I found them so interesting, I’ve decided to post.

You may think that this kind of communication between my client and I is a waste of precious work time. But I like to think of this as building client relationships. It's important.

1. I never went to high a school dance. No one asked. But I did participate by painting all the themed back drops for the couple photos.

2. The first day of my freshman year this guy stood up and said, "Hail Hitler" during the Pledge of Allegiance. It then started a huge fight, and the cops showed up. I was terrified. Not because I was scared for my life, but because the idiot was my brother. He spent his senior year in alternative school and no one ever made the connection.

3. While everyone else was taking dance lessons as a child, I was in the Rock Club. No, not music, rocks. I loved studying rocks. I would sit in my Grandmother's driveway for hours and polish rocks in the polisher. It's amazing what an ugly stone can become.

4. When I was 7, my brother and I put sheets on our head and chased each other around the house. It was Halloween. My Mom was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. I tripped. I fell. I got stabbed with a butcher knife and a 2-prong meat fork. Barely missed the lungs. My Mom passed out due to blood and my dad, who was loaded, had to drive me to the hospital. I remember being in the backseat of the VW bus bouncing around and asking if I was going to die. My dad's reply was, "no, but do you mind if we stop for a roadie."

5. I didn't wet my bed ever. But I got sent home several times from school for peeing in pants from laughing so hard. Peeing at home on yourself is ten time better.

-BLOGINOLOGY-

Like terminology, but for blogging.

I’ve decided to create a lingo for the Blogger Nation. There are many times when I refer to something normal, but in relation to blogging. Therefore, I’ve created a new set of Blogabulary.

Blogtastic-like fantastic, but in Blogabulary it means that something is worthy of going on the blog.
Used in a sentence: Alisha beat Darci in poker. That’s blogtastic.

Bloggertainment-like entertainment, but served up from the blog.
Used in a sentence: Alisha’s client was bored at work, so she sent her the Gemini stimuli link for some bloggertainment.

I’ll be adding to these as more blogabulary comes to me.

-5 THINGS...-

People probably don’t know about me:

V. When I eat I cut up my meat and vegetables into perfect little proportionate bites. And, I arrange them on my plate as I eat so that it always looks evenly spaced. Usually in rows of two.

IV. When I was in 1st grade my dad received a call from my teacher requesting a parent-teacher conference. At first he was a little surprised and got defensive because I made straight A’s and had perfect conduct. My dad was somewhat embarrassed (but not surprised) when the teacher revealed the problem. “Ya see Mr. Sare, lately, Alisha’s been making bets with other students and taking all of their lunch money.”

III. In the 5th grade all Texas public schools take the students to a camp for a whole week. I got sent home on the 4th day because I mooned the boys in the cabin across the way. I had to ride all the way home from Oklahoma with my school principal, who just happened to be visiting camp that day. To this day, I make it a point to moon someone at least 3 times a week.

II. I wet the bed until I was 12. I slept in bed with my mom until I was 14.

I. There are 3 UT graduates in the NBA right now who I’ve beat in H-O-R-S-E at least once...Chris Mihm, Maurice Evans, TJ Ford.

-THE WEEKEND IN PICTURES-

Paint.

Paint and Furniture.

Paint, Furniture, and Decoration.

Paint, Furniture, Decoration, and VICTORY.

-HAPPY CHRISMA-HANNA-KWANZAKA TO YOU-

One of the best things about working in advertising is getting too see and hear crazy creative shit. Check this thing out that Virgin Mobile did. It’s just random fun for the holidays. Love it.

Call this number:

1-888-353-7667

I recommend you press 2 to hear the Hindu Santa. It’s the funniest option. But the others are good too.

-EVERYONE LOVES A TEXAS GIRL-

Random quickie...from some guy I don’t even know, but oh well.

This was his email:

Went to a party at Lauren’s on Saturday night. About 20 people. Half of us went to some random bar, the other half went to this upscale place called Marquee. Anyways, these 2 pretty girls who were visiting Lauren from Texas went to Marquee. I didn't of course, opting for the hole in the wall with $3 beers.

So yesterday morning, Lauren calls me and says "Do you know some guy named Matt Line Hart?" I laugh and say yeah and don't bother to correct her. She says, well he was at Marquee last night, and hit on one of the girls from Texas all night, danced with her, and then was so drunk he groped her. She turned around and slapped him, and left. I said yea yea, I doubt it even though it kinda made sense that he would be in an upscale club (in New York) getting trashed after losing the Heisman.

I told her I'd believe the story when I saw pictures. Wellll, here they are...

-COUNSELOR CASUALLY IGNORING FRIENDS-

Where the hell are you, Counselor? Are you busy getting sued? Are you busy suing someone? Are you busy at all? You don’t call. You don’t write. What the hell happened?

I'm not gonna lie. I am a little upset. But don’t you worry, you will be able to redeem yourself for this behavior soon.

I’ll be home for Christmas on Thursday night December 22nd. I will be going back to Austin the night of Tuesday the 27th. On Tuesday morning however, I’ll be attending the Whataburger Basketball Tournament on business. It is in the Dallas/Richardson area. I’d be much obliged if you’d like to join me, see some basketball action, meet some Whataburger folks, tournament directors and such. It may be a good networking opportunity for you, but even if it isn’t you could still hang out with me and keep me entertained. Shit, I haven’t talked you in so long though...I wonder, are you still entertaining?

Hope you’re doing ok.

Oh, and uh, please stop ignoring me. Thank you.

-THE WEEKEND IN PICTURES-

Jeff-Darci-Alisha


Dirk Nowitzki searching the crowd for me...
Jeff took us to a Mavs game and dinner as our Christmas present.


Darci and Jeff are acting like they see something. They don't.


I bought Jeff and I matching Dirk shirts. We're going to play tricks on Darci with these.


Darci got me a poker set for Christmas, and then she beat my ass in poker. This is bullshit!


I am my daddy's favorite child. It's obvious.

-BLOG vs. JOURNAL-

So I am at lunch today with Darci and she revealed to me that she has an online journal. She just started it. She wants it to be her own personal thing, that no one else reads, and I kind of wondered why for a second. But I do understand, from her point of view, why she would want that for her.

But why not just write it down, in a real journal, with a pen, as opposed to typing it up on a public webspace?

Then I thought some more...

I wondered what it would be like if I turned my blog into my “journal” for a week and just said what’s in my heart on my mind. What if I did that instead of entertainingly spinning everything? I wonder if people would still read it. If they would laugh or cry. If wonder if Darci would kill me after day 1. The answer is yes, she would.

I wonder...why the fuck should I care what anyone thinks. Fuck it. This is mine. Don’t click the link if you don’t want to see what I have to say. Right? Right.
--
DAY 1 JOURNAL

I’m looking at my fucking hand right now wondering why in the fuck this poison ivy rash that I’ve been scratching the fuck out of is scarring. It’s gonna make my whole hand look ugly if it doesn’t go away.

I’m also still wondering why Darci started an online journal in the first place, that she doesn’t want me to read, but she wanted me to know about. Is it so she can write about me when I piss her off? Or am I selfish for thinking its “all about me”? Is it because she has things she wants to write about that she can’t talk to me about? Well that’s just even fuckin’ better?

And tonight I have a Christmas party to go to for work, and damn near all the fucking people I like to hang out with from work have quit working here, so I’m pretty much on my own. This sure will be fun. “Bartender, can I get one more glass of red wine please?” Yeah, that’s me, standing in the corner with the glass of red wine.

THE END of DAY 1 JOURNAL
--

So about my first online journal experience...it sucked. I hate it. You wanna know how many times I hit backspace and erased a perfectly fine “journal thought?” A lot. So what you just read, wasn’t really my fucking journal. It was an edited, thought over, back-spaced, spell checked, “oops, I can’t say that” backspace, backspace, backspace, bunch of shit.

I have a “real” journal at home. It’s leather-bound with rubber bands wrapped around it to keep it shut. It’s got about 22 entries in it from the past 2 years. Most pages have lines of crossed out thoughts (but I can still read what’s written underneath). A lot of it doesn’t make sense. A bunch of shit is miss-spelled, but who cares. And some of the pages have words smeared from tears. Maybe from when I wrote it. Maybe from every time I re-read it.

Have you ever seen “The Notebook”?

Think about if that movie was made in 2055. Would Duke read the journal to Allie at www.journal-time.com by the lake from their laptop, instead of reading from the handwritten book of their life?

When Noah just missed the love of his life leaving town, would he chase after her on foot? Would he still have written 365 letters, one every day for a year, to tell her how much he loved her?

No. He would have reached for his flip phone and speed dialed Allie and told her to come back to him? End of scene.

What the fuck happened to letters…in the mail? What happened to surprising someone by showing up on their doorstep…instead of calling them first? What the fuck happened to the journal?

I apologize. You’re probably annoyed that this is entirely too long for just being a blog entry. But fuck it; if this were a book you were holding in your hands, you’d just turn the page. Who knows the difference any more?

-SO, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO?-

People often ask me, “so what do you do for a living.” My answer, “I’m in advertising.” And they’re always like, “so is that the same as marketing, or PR?” I always have a hard time really explaining it, but hopefully this will help you understand.

Here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That’s Brand recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

Being that I'm in Advertising...all my friends are apparently going up to people telling them how good I am in bed. Good profession to be in if you ask me.

-SNIP SNIP-

If you don’t know, now you know. I don’t get my haircut all that often, maybe 3 times a year, so when I do, it’s kind of a big deal. I only really do it if I have to dress up and the piggies don’t go well with my outfit. So with the agency Christmas party just around the corner...I’m getting my hair did.

I always use Meg Ryan as my hair model. I print out a picture. Take it in to the salon. And say, “I want it to look just like that.” Of course, without the blonde. Usually, I take in the picture below and ask for this exact cut, but an inch shorter than what’s in the picture.
This year, however, I’m leaning more towards this...(Below)...and I’m even contemplating throwing in a little color for shits and giggles.
So these are from last year’s Christmas Party...probably the last time I wore my hair down...

And, I wonder what this year will turn out like. My appointment is for 5:00 Friday...the party starts at 7:00. Cuttin’ it kinda close (pun) on time. How do you guys feel about it...the cut..and possible color? Is it me?

-”EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT IN THERE.”-

I’m sure you’ll all be glad to know that I had my annual girly doctor visit today. I always schedule the early morning appointment and do my best to clean up down there before I go in. You know...I bathe, shave, spray a nice subtle scent, sprinkle some glitter...the whole nine yards. The Doc really appreciates my attention to detail.

But it never fails...I always screw something up. Like this time...I wore my Birkenstocks, so when I took my shoes and clothes off to put on that sexy hospital gown, my damn feet stunk. I hate that, because when the Doc does what she does with that cold metal thing and the q-tip...she’s RIGHT by my feet. I’d hate for her to think my yah-hah smells like feet, when in all actuality it smells more like Lavender. Anyways, before the Doc made it into the room I managed to cover my feet in Purel and disguise the Birkenstock feet scent. Whew. As for the rest of the visit...”Everything looks great in there.” Hey, don’t be mad. I’m just quoting the Doc.

-NO REALLY, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!-

Y’all all know that song, “Who let the dogs out? Whooo, whooo, whoo who who!” Right?

Well, this weekend I did something I haven’t done in a really long time. Went out, got wasted, and woke up in the morning with some guy passed-out face down on my pull-out couch.

(Went out: in Austin. Got wasted: on Jack. The guy on the couch: that’s Jeff.)

The funny part about all of this...Jeff’s an asthmatic and happens to be severely allergic to Tanner. At some point in this drunken night, I pass out in my room, Darci passes out on me, and Jeff passes out on the couch. Later in the evening my roommate Jacqueline wakes up to do one thing...let the dogs out to pee. Before long, Tanner, who was sleeping with me and Darci, is laying on the couch with Jeff the asthmatic. Mind you, Darci and I are, well, still passed out in my room, and Jeff...he can’t breathe.

I don’t know if Jeff’s drunk just wore off, or if an angel swooped down from the heavens to wake him up, but something saved his life that night. He woke up gasping for breath and ran out to his truck to get his inhaler. Luckily, he made it.

But the more I think about that song...”Who let the dogs out?” That part that goes like this, ”Whooo, whooo, whoo who who!” sounds like wheezing. Coincidence? I think not.

-A FEW THINGS-

5 random things you might not know about me…
-I get poison ivy at least 5 times a year
-I love to perform
-Over-the-top comedy is not funny to me (i.e. Anchorman)
-I never plan on retiring
-I ALWAYS know what I’m getting for Christmas
--
3 ways to my heart…
-Entertain me
-Challenge me
-Romance me
--
5 things to do before I die…
-Gamble in Vegas
-Lay wood floors
-Hike the Grand Canyon
-Go to the Olympics
-Write a book
--
3 ways to turn me off…
-Call me a Bitch
-Be Lazy
-Insult someone I care about
--
3 things I'm afraid of…
-Spiders
-Dying before my parents
-Witnessing a violent death
--
5 things I'm not fond of…
-Death
-Shaving my legs
-Breaking up
-Car accidents
-Moochers
--
5 things I do daily…
-Kiss Tanner
-Pet Darci
-Call my mom
-Read my horoscope
-Drink coffee
--
5 things on my mind right now...
-How much I miss college and basketball
-MS13
-Meatloaf (made from ground Turkey)
-Love Actually
-Tooters
--
5 things that can make me smile...
-Someone else’s smile
-Morning kisses
-Christmas lights
-Flowers
-Fudgesickles

-MESSAGE FROM A LONG LOST FRIEND-

Silver writes:

I enjoy reading your blog.

You going to marry her?
---
To that I respond:

Did you read it today?

I almost dumped her for waking me up that ealry and letting me ride my bike in the freezing cold.
---

-NUMB-

You know, one of the things I love most about Darci is her laid back go-with-the-flow mentality. She balances me out a lot of the time while dealing with my abundance of stress. But man-oh-man, when it comes to being on time for something, she’s one overly antsy, OCD, bundle of nerves.

For example, last night Darci picked me up from work and we went to First Thursday on South Congress. When the fun was over we decided to just ride home together and have Darci drop me off at work the next morning. She had an interview at 8:30 am, so it would have worked out perfectly. At about 4 o’clock this morning it dawned on her that she didn’t know where her interview was. Good one Darc. Come to find out it was in the completely opposite direction of my job. So at about 7 o’clock in the morning she tries to wake me and make me leave the house by 7:15. No way Jose, I don’t think so. (Remember, I don’t have my car.) I get to work between 8:30 and 9. Not at 7:30. Definitely not on a Friday.

So she’s stomping around trying to get ready for her interview, and in her serious voice she says to me, “baby, get up I cannot be late for this interview.” To that I replied...”no, 5 more minutes.” Her OCD time-sensitive side didn’t like that answer. So after a couple more minutes of huffing and puffing, I pull my head from the covers and say, “I’ll just ride my bike to work, so there.” She didn’t care. She was going to be on time to her gig and that’s all that matters.

So now, it’s 9:50, and I’ve been at work for just over an hour. Today was the coldest day of the year, 40 degrees to be exact, and I’m still numb from the 6-mile bike ride in.

Hope your interview went well, honey. I can’t feel my fingers.

-HOW SWEET IT IS...-

I don’t know how she does it, but Darci always finds a way to just keep on loving me...even when I don’t deserve it. I had a really rough day yesterday, and when she got home from soccer practice I was in a pretty piss-poor mood. I did my best not to take things out on her, so I just sat quietly on the couch. (If I say anything when I’m upset or stressed then things to get sour real fast.) Darci sat down at the other end of the couch and just waited...I was reading ESPN the magazine and watching Court TV, again, trying to stay quiet and keep my mind off of work, but at the same time, not paying too much attention to her. Before I knew it Darci was massaging my feet and tickling me gently, both of which brought a smile to my face. It wasn’t too long after that that we found ourselves on opposite ends of the couch with our legs tangled up in one another watching the Psychic Detective with a glass of red wine. All my troubles just seemed to fade away.

How sweet it is to be loved by you.