-”PLAY THAT SHIT!”-

I must have screamed that phrase a thousand times this past weekend as I partook in 3 days of the baddest ass Austin City Limits Music Festival ever. It was so bad ass that I’ve created “Alisha’s 2005 ACL All-Star CD” (see above for playlist). I of course made one for myself, but I’m looking to do the same thing for all of you too, with the hopes that you’ll do a little giving for a good cause.

So check this...Crazy Katrina messed around ‘n jacked up New Orleans, and now we have a ton of kiddos in our Austin schools with little to nothing...no homes, money, food, clothes, school supplies...nothing. I’m going to burn All-Star CD’s...with the hopes that you all will buy one or trade me “stuff” for one. 100% of all donations are going to this organization I volunteer with, Communities in Schools, and you can read more about them at: http://www.cisaustin.org/.

Communities In Schools is currently in need of the following items for relocated students:
• school supplies, all types
• new and unopened hygiene products
• new socks and underwear, all sizes
• new t-shirts
• grocery store gift cards, Target/Wal-Mart gift cards
• new belts (required for school dress code)

Please comment below if interested. I’ll figure out the best way to go about connecting for the CD/donation exchange. If you’re not interested, don’t even think about downloading the songs from the All-Star CD on your own.

Also, please do not refer any law enforcement officials to my blog...I’m pretty sure that what I’m doing is illegal. Thank you.

-CAN WE BORROW A FUCKING GLACIER!?-

With all this hurricane drama that’s been going on...I feel like there HAS TO BE a way to stop those things in their tracks. Seriously.

Hurricanes start when strong clusters of thunderstorms drift over WARM ocean waters. The very warm air from the storm and the OCEAN'S SURFACE combine and begin rising. This is just the beginning of it...and I’m convinced that there is a way to keep it from going any further. If we can just cool down the WARM OCEAN SURFACE, then we’re butter. Hurricane free for life.

I mean think about it. You don’t hear about hurricanes in Alaska do you? No. I didn’t think so. And trust me, Alaska could spare a glacier or two. Just tie that shit up to a big ass boat, haul it into the gulf, and call it a day.

I can’t believe no one’s ever thought of this.

Oh and one more thing...We probably shouldn’t go building cities BELOW sea level anymore. If I would have been around when they were building New Orleans, I never would have let that happen.

For more information on how hurricanes occur, visit: http://news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/newsid_4020000/newsid_4022100/4022129.stm

-HERE, THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER-

A daily dose of office email.
...

From: Jessica
Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 10:42:24 -0500
To: Big Al Sare
Subject: Re: Whatajob Certificate

Alisha-

I’m a little loopy feeling today. I think my body is at war and is fighting a cold. I’m feeling a tad run down.

-Jessica

From: Alisha
Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 11:01:00 -0500
To: Jessica
Subject: Re: Whatajob Certificate

Baby J-

I’m sorry tiger. I’m a little out of it too. I went hard core at ACL and my body is hurting...not like from over-consumption (well maybe a little), but just from walking, standing and sitting in the sun all day everyday. And the dust...let me tell you about the dust...I breathed in so much dust...it’s got me coughing up blood. Sick.

All this leads me to...I’m sorry your feeling bad. Let me know if I can do anything to help. I have a highlighter, a drum stick and a cactus over here. None of which have actual healing powers, but still...

-Alisha

From: Jessica
Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 10:59:06 -0500
To: Big Al Sare
Subject: Re: Whatajob Certificate

I guess if you would do some sort of Indian healing dance with your highlighter, drumstick, and cactus. I would feel a little better I think.

-FOR THE LOVE OF RITA-

My house rests 30 feet from a creek bed.

So I’m feeling like this Hurricane Rita has all of a sudden become a really big deal.

I think all Mexican food establishments should sell “Rita Ritas.” Margaritas for half-price or less with a five-Rita minimum per person. Then, all proceeds should be donated to, none other than, me.

After all, it is my idea. And my house is destined to float away within the next 72 hours.

-www.GOOGLEPLEX.com-

Google Headquarters
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, CA 94043

Dear Google Gang,

I’m a man who likes to get answers. Whether it’s the Capital of Cambodia (Phnom Penh), the number of fluid ounces in a gallon (128) or the location of the nearest Outback Steakhouse (1651 I-35 South), I want to know. That’s why I love Google. It’s helped me find these answers and so many more. Back in high school (Bellaire High Class of ’03, Home of the Fighting Cardinals. I graduated 46th in my class), I used your Google search engine for Mrs. Aubrey’s World History class to research the Incans of South America and Napoleon Bonaparte. I can tell you more about French military power – that phrase sounds like an oxymoron now – than you ever wanted to know, all thanks to Google. The other day a couple of my co-workers from Circuit City were wondering when the next season of CSI comes out on DVD, and I was able to race to the computer and “Google” the answer. “Google” has even become a commonly used word, how neat is that?!

Google is the best site on the internet right now, but don’t go celebrating just yet.

I’m writing you because I have a concern. I’m concerned that one day my children won’t have the same opportunity –no, pleasure– to use Google for all of their information needs. I’m concerned that your competitors may try to outdo you. Sure, google is a big number, but what happens when one of your competitors comes out with Google times a million – that number is way bigger than a google. I’ve seen similar marketing wars, such as Bud Light vs. Miller Light, get nasty. To prevent this, and for Google to preserve its spot on top, I suggest that you secure the rights to the following domain names:

• www.Googleplusonethousand.com
• www.Googleplusonemillion.com
• www.Googletimesonethousand.com
• www.Googletimesonemillion.com
• www.Googleplex.com
• www.Googleplusinfinity.com
• www.Googletimesinfinity.com

Having these domain names will ensure that they don’t fall into the hands of one of your inferior competitors. Also, if a competitor tries to get the better of you with a higher numbered domain (www.Googletimesonehundred.com, for instance) you will always have an even bigger domain to trump them. These precautions will help www.Google.com remain the best website in all of cyberspace!

Please write to me and let me know what you think about this pre-emptive plan and if you come up with any other domains those sneaky devils might try to top you with. I look forward to a quick reply from your fine company. Let me know if you need my help coming up with more domain names, I’m a math major and I could come up with many more, maybe even a google! And I wouldn’t mind a Google T-shirt (size medium) so I can share my love of Google with the world.

Keep on Google-ing,
Robert L. Seilheimer

-TANNER-

You are pretty much the sweetest, most adorable dog ever. I love you long time.

-WAIT A MINUTE. THAT’S NOT TANNER!-

That’s right folks...there’s a new dog in town, and she goes by the name of...OH WAIT...she doesn’t have a name yet. This is where you all come in....

We’re playing “NAME THAT DOG”!

Here’s some scoop on the little mutt. She’s a she, so girl or unisex names are preferred. She belongs to Jackie B, so her last name is Baker. First and Middle Name must sound well with "Baker" on the end. Jackie B swears she’s German Sheppard, but I’ve got money on it that she grows up to be a Chow (pretty much the worst breed of over-populated violent dogs ever, but oh well).

So here goes...This’s what I have so far. Please comment and let me know your suggestions. The Winner will be rewarded in puppy kisses.

GUINESS BAKER
YAGER BOMB BAKER
JAYGER MERRY BAKER**
**(same initials AND middle name as Jackie B, (JMB)...and MERRY just happens to be what the vet was calling the puppy...lots of significance in this one)
DILDO
(After all, that's what appears to be in her mouth. Take it or leave it. HA!...--Courtesy of Uncle Gary)
BO BO BAKER
(Uncle Donald in Mississippi had a dog named Bo Bo--Courtesy of my Daddy)
BETTY BAKER
(Like Betty Crocker, but better--courtesy of Mel Jay)
RILEY BAKER
(courtesy of Cullen)
LUCKY
(because she is--courtesy of Meemaw)

Keep ‘em coming...

-DEAR SANTA,-

I have a really bad memory and tend to forget my Christmas Wish List by the time December rolls around. In order to try and help you out this holiday season I have taken the liberty of starting my list in September.

*KITCHEN AID CAROUSEL KNIFE SET (preferably BLACK, not RED)
(Available at Target, Kohl’s, or Dillard’s)

*BOSE SOUND DOCK FOR MY iPOD MINI

*9 LB BOWLING BALL

*WOMEN’S GOLF CLUBS

*HARDWOOD FLOORS

*DOG BED FOR TANNER

Love,
Alisha

-ONE-

It doesn’t exist.

The phrase, “lets just go have one beer” brought me to this realization. Beer and Lay’s potato chips are a lot alike. You can’t eat just one...You can’t drink just one. Last night I told myself I just wanted to go have one beer, and then whad’ya know...3 hours and 6 beers later I’m two-stepping around my garage and conducting post-beer pong interviews.

-CHEER UP CHAMP-

You know, when someone’s in a bad ass mood...they really don’t want you to be happy and cheer them up. They want you to be upset too. If they walk around huffing and puffing, and you look at them or smile at them, then they scowl. It makes them even more mad. If you get huffy and puffy or pissy about something of your own, then they’ll rationalize by thinking they have it worse than you, and that you should get over it.

I’m gonna go out and buy a stuffed Care Bear, the rainbow one...the one they call “Cheer Bear.” And every time someone tries to bring their pissy ass mood around me, I’m gonna throw it at them as hard as I can and tell them to “cheer the fuck up”. That’ll be such a good mix of happiness and piss-off that they won’t know what to think.

-I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU-

You know, there are a lot of things I can do really well. I can throw a spiral...grill like no other...shoot a basketball from anywhere. But when it comes to taking compliments, I SUCK.

So I’m laying in bed this morning...it’s about 4 a.m....STILL DARK OUTSIDE...PITCH BLACK IN THE ROOM...and my love rolls over to me...squeezes me tight and says, “Baby, you’re so beautiful.”

Without hesitation, I respond, “Thank you baby. That is a compliment I can accept. It’s completely dark. YOU CAN'T SEE ME!”

Then I thought about it some more. Does it count if you tell someone they’re beautiful in the dark? Seems like a round-about way to get lucky with an ugly person at 4 a.m.

-DEEP THOUGHTS FROM A COFFEE CUP-

Starburcks’ “The Way I See It #27”...

Do not kiss your children
So they will kiss you back
But so they will kiss their children.
And their children's children.

Noah benShea (Poet, Philosopher, Author)

For more “The Way I See Its”...Get your own coffee cup. Every Starbucks cup is graced by a short lil’ sumn sumn. Some suck. Others are really good. I particularly loved this one.

-YOU HAD SEX WHERE!? NO WAY...-

The blog is heating up, and you people can now leave comments. Answer the following question...I’ll post all answers together soon.

Q: Where’s the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?

Gemini (Blog Master)-On a pool table-Parent's house
Mike Jones.-In Gemini's backyard on the layout chair with sprinklers going...(talk about some splish-splash) GEMINI SAYS: "I like your style..."
Deez Nutz-On a running washing machine
Rachael- On the beer pong table at da house in the middle of a game
The Counselor- On a dorm room bed with a roommate present, vigorously and repeatedly
Mel Jay-Hogg Memorial Auditorium on the UT campus, up where the spotlights are
Patty-Brother's car...sorry bro
Megan- In the Heart Hospital parking lot next to Central Market
DC-Midfield and 18 yard box of Mike A. Myers Soccer Stadium....HOOK'EM!!

-A SUGGESTION TO ALL-

If you haven't already, I urge all of you to go out and purchase 1.) a camera for taking pictures, and 2.) a video camera for making films. Both should be used in everyday life. Both should be used to capture moments you may or may not ever want to forget. Trust me on this on. The shit we do day in and day out is just that, shit, if you don't record it...remember it...share it.

-THE DRIVE TO WORK-

You know 15 minutes in a car can make you think about some crazy shit. For instance...Not 2 blocks from my house, I saw 6 cops on the side of the road trying to either beat the crap out of some criminal, or save this guys life while he was having seizure. It was hard to tell what was really going on, but it looked violent either way.

Then, no farther than a mile or two down the road at the MLK/Airport Rd intersection this car in front of me did the peeve of all pet peeves. Listen people, a yellow light does not mean slam on your brakes. If anything, it means speed up and make it through the light. This dumb ass driving a little red car decided to do the first of the two options and stop, while I in turn did the latter and went. Mind you, I was behind the stopping car. I kinda felt like a NASCAR driver swerving around stand still traffic and speeding up to make it swiftly through the light. And yes, I made it before the light turned red. I bet that guy sitting at the longest light in Austin felt like an idiot.

I also had a glory moment reflection on the way in too...I’m getting really good at this bowling thing. Last night over the course of 3 games I bowled a 140 avg. Wearing old school stolen shoes. Using a 9 lb house ball. Nothing fancy going on. Just sheer raw bowling prowess is taking over me. And it feels good.

Finally, if you have musical downloading abilities then you should get this immediately. Artist: John Waite. Song: Missing You. It’s really powerful.

-2 STRAIGHT WEEKS WITH THESE GIRLS-

Probably one of the least sober times in my life...

-2005 Mc-J Championship Bowling Team-

From L to R: Valeri "VALPAK" Marquart, Michael "AND HER" Anderson, Derrit "DEEZ NUTZ" DeRouen, Britton "UPPER HAND" Upham, Alisha "CAP-EE-TAN" Sare)

-JUST DO YOUR JOB-

If you have one job and one job only...you should never fail. Like a stapler for instance....A stapler should NEVER fail, but they always seem to be screwing up. I mean seriously, have you ever had a calculator screw up on you? No. I just don't get it.