Gemini Stimuli

-ALIVE & WELL-

2006-12-12T13:22:00.000-08:00

So a friend of mine emailed me today. He writes:

“Where have you gone. No talky lately. You haven't posted on the blog in like 2 years.”

And although he is a big fat exaggerator with the timeframe (it’s only been like 5 months)... I haven’t been gone. Just a little out of it and less talkative than usual. I’m a little snowed under at work. Every day it seems like something comes from out of no where and saps the life out of me. And the end result is normally me feeling very uninspired. So, I haven’t blogged in 5 months. And come to think of it, I probably haven’t worked out in 5 months either. Regardless of my general life lack of inspiration... you better believe I’m totally in the Christmas spirit. Santa can probably spot my house from Mars. And Darci and I are sporting tacky Christmas sweaters for the entire month of December. You gotta love that.

-HOW MySPACE MADE MY DAY-

2006-07-05T12:28:00.001-07:00

So, occasionally I get random MySpace messages from people trying to sell me something or what not. But today I got one that just made my day. It’s from a UT cheerleader who cheered at my games back in the day when I used to hoop. What a sweet sweet girl that cheerleader.
--
Alisha,

Oh I'm going to feel stupid if you don't remember me, but somehow I saw your pic on here and just had to say hi! I always thought you were the nicest girl on the UT women's basketball team! Anyhow, I'm Kelly and I cheered while you were playing and thought you were really talented and hilarious!!! I rode a bike next to one day while I was working out and you had me cracking up! Well, I just thought I'd say hello and see what what you have been up to since college.

I graduated from UT Law School in 2004 and worked in San Antonio for a year and now am back in the ATX which I'm very happy about! Well, if you don't remember me then I'm silly, but I hope you are doing fantastic! Hit me back if you are bored! Myspace is so stupid, but I've caught up with some old friends!! Take care.

Sincerely,
Kelly Sadler

-SO YOU WANT ME TO WRITE?-

2006-06-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, I’ve been lacking the inspiration necessary to fulfill the creative requirements of authoring a blog. So if you want me to write something, you’re gonna have to ask.

Tammy from Chattanooga Asked These 8 Questions:

1. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
Without a doubt, a gecko. Geckos are hot right now.
2. Favorite person - both dead and alive.
Dead-Tupac Shakur
Alive-Tupac Shakur
3. What's the first thing you think of when you wake up?
I do a deep calculation of how many times I can press snooze, and still make it to work on time.
4. What 5 words best describe you?
Personable, opinionated, blunt, stubborn, curious
5. Which celebrity are you most like...how so?
Tom Cruise. Because I like to jump on couches and scream like a fool.
6. Do you prefer t-cups or roller coasters?
Roller coasters all the way.
7. Tell us your funniest joke.
So a pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel tied to his penis. The bartender looks at him and says, “hey you have a steering wheel tied to your penis.” The pirate looks back at him and says, “Aaargh, it’s driving me nuts!”

And finally...drumroll please...

8. If you could be a super hero, what would be your power?
The ability to hear everything a person thinks as they think it.

-UPDATE-

2006-06-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

Me and the Darci are still doing well. One of my friends recently inspired her to start training for a triathlon, so we’re doing a lot of that lately...training. She’s going to compete in October. I’m just going to train with her...push her...let her push me...whatever works. I’m her yoga master too, so after a hard day of running, walking, biking, swimming, whatever...I help bring everything back to center.Speaking of center...our life now revolves around a new center of attention—Nelly. She’s a sweet sweet girl, but about 50% of my kissers have been diverted to her lately. Oh well. I ain’t j boo.Also, I ended up getting the FJ Cruiser I wanted. It’s pimp. I love it. And one last thing....I joined myspace. I did it initially just to view other peoples profiles, but just so I could avoid being the lamest myspace user ever...I posted some pictures and information on there. http://www.myspace.com/austinalisha

-OH IT’S JUST PUPPY LOVE. OR IS IT?-

2006-05-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

This may or may not surprise you, but me and the Darci have been together for almost a year now. I guess you could say we like each other a little bit. This Thursday is our 1 year anniversary, and it’s not only a cause for celebration, but also the perfect time to reward her for putting up with me. It ain’t easy, but she does it and I love her for it.

So what’s her reward you ask...? The one on the right. Now all at once...”ahhhhhh.”

-HOLE IN ONE-

2006-05-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

We have our annual company golf tournament tomorrow, so yesterday a few co-workers, the Darci and I all went to hit some golf balls over lunch. I’ve been wanting to get my own set of clubs, but never got around to it so I just planned on using Darci’s for the tourney.

Anyways, my co-workers and I hit our balls and went back to work. Darci, unbeknownst to me, went shopping.

Later than night I pull into my driveway and there are signs all over the outside and inside of the house. The signs read messages such as, Tee Up, Fore!!, Birdie, Eagle, etc. Everywhere I turn there’s a sign. I called her immediately and said “what are you trying to do Crazy Woman?!” She said she was trying to get me fired up for the golf tournament.

A few seconds later I look outside, and on the garage door there’s a sign that reads “Hole In One.” So what do I do? I go out to the garage, open the door, and right in front of me is a brand new set of golf clubs in a golf bag, surrounded by balls, and tees. Talk about being fired up.

-WINDSHIELD NOTE-

2006-05-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

There was a new Toyota FJ Cruiser parked by my job, and since the dealers only have these cars on their showroom floors I’ve never been able to even start one up. If I ever wanted to ride in it...this was my golden opportunity. I looked out my office window for about 30 minutes, but the owner never came out...so what’d I do? I left a note.
--
Dear Mr. Or Ms. FJ Cruiser Driver,

I plan on buying an FJ Cruiser in about 2 weeks, but I’ve never even ridden in one or anything. The dealers are real stingy with ‘em. If you have the time I’d love to ask you a few questions and see how you’re liking it so far. I promise I’m not weird or crazy or anything. I work across the street at McGarrah Jessee, so if you’re not in a hurry you can just come right in and ask for Alisha. Have a great day.

Thanks,
Alisha
--

Some 10 minutes later...he came to my office, and he was the nicest guy ever. He offered to let me drive it and everything. It was awesome.

-FLAVOR OF THE MONTH-

2006-04-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

-SKI TRIP UH BAYBUH BAYBUH!-

2006-04-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

Over Easter myself and 11 others went up to Colorado for a long weekend of frolicking (skiing) in the snow. The first day was highlighted with a trip to the ER for my good friend Chad who ate shit and separated his shoulder on the first run of the day.

The second day, as I’m sure you can imagine, was laden with massive alcohol consumption, but to my surprise ended with a small bar tab. Ya see, while the rest of us were skiing all day, Chad was drinking in the bar...all day. Needless to say, he befriended the bartender and by night’s end what should have been a $300+ bar tab ended up running less than $100. Score one for the injured drunk guy.

Beer + Straw + High Altitude = Wasted. (From L to R: Alisha, Chad)

The Crew (From L to R: Julie, Alisha, Austin, Darci, Chad)

The Darci and I...Just before we tackle a Black Diamond.

Darci...Tackled by a Black Diamond. (She spent a lot of time on her ass.)

Mid-day snack (yellow snow) anyone...?

-TIME TO FIRE THIS BABY BACK UP-

2006-04-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

Check out that bedhead...Even if you tried, you couldn't style your hair like that.

-TANNER, YOU HANDSOME DEVIL-

2006-03-06T13:57:00.000-08:00

Tanner recently spent a day at the groomer. He got his teeth brushed and a summer cut.

BEFORE

AFTER

-12 DAYS, 95 INTERRUPTIONS-

2006-02-10T07:58:00.000-08:00

Yep, that's right. In the past 12 days, Jeff has entered my office 95 times to ask questions, make stupid comments, and crunch peanuts in my ear. I keep a piece of paper next to my computer and give it a tic mark every time he comes in. He thinks it's a list that I'm tallying of vendor calls. Now, keep in mind, this doesn't include the emails he sends me everyday. That averages around 10-12. And also keep in mind, he's been working here for 13 months. My only saving grace...the dude drags his frucking feet when he walks, so if I'm quick on my feet I can pick up the phone for a pretend call.

This is some sad shit.

-IM CONVERSATION-

2006-02-07T09:24:00.000-08:00

Air10143: Mom!?
Air10143: Call me at work.
Air10143: Just real quick. I have something to tell you.
Air10143: I know you hear me woman!
Air10143: HEY!

(The phone rings...)

“Hey Mom. I haven’t talked to you in a while. Sorry. I’ve just been real busy. But I was thinking about you and I just wanted to tell you I love you. I just didn’t want to tell you over IM.”

“Well I love you too. Thank you. Did you make it back ok? What time did you get home?”

“Anyways, yeah work’s nuts. We got back at 9:30 last night. I’m busy managing a girl. I’m busy being managed. And I’m trying to make my account tick all at the same time. It’s crazy. But it’ll all pay-off hopefully. Can’t really talk about it at work. So, I just don’t want you to think I’m avoiding you or anything. I’m not. Everything is going well. I love you. I gotta go buy I’ll talk to you later.”

-?-

2006-01-30T09:24:00.000-08:00

I ask her a lot of questions. And not just your typical, everyday, matter of fact questions. I ask hard questions. I put her on the spot. And I do it often.

I ask why she loves me. I ask her to explain how she loves me. She tries piecing her words together. I make her compare different types of love. I ask how she’d feel if anything ever happened to me, or if she woke up tomorrow and I was gone. I ask her how she’d act. I ask what she’d want of mine. I ask how long it’d take her to move on. I ask ask ask, and she answers. Eventually, I stop.

Then I ask if I can read to her. It’s late. And she has to get up early. But I still ask. She says yes. Not that I really enjoy reading out loud. It’s not that at all. I just want to read, but I don’t want her to fall asleep. I want her to fall asleep with me. So aloud, I read a chapter, and it’s starting to get really good. She might be bored. I ask if I can read again to her tomorrow. Without hesitation, of course, she says. I put the book down. I roll over to face her.

Nose to nose. Reading light still on. She brings her hands up to my cheeks. I bring my hands to her hands. We lay in silence looking into one another. We’re so close that our shadows make it seem dark. I can see her big blue eyes. She opens her mouth to talk. She begins explaining. A tear rolls from her eye over my finger. Without saying much at all, I begin reading her. She’s answering a question. Now I understand how she loves me. I just can’t figure out why.

-8 TRAITS OF MY PERFECT LOVER-

2006-01-25T07:39:00.000-08:00

The rules: The tagged victim (me) lists 8 different points of their perfect lover/partner, mentioning the sex of said partner.

Their Sex: Female.

The Act of Sex: Warm me up. Make it hot. Cool me down. Listen to what I ask for, and try to deliver. You won’t get me off every time, so don’t expect to. If that disappoints you, let me know, and I’ll fake it for a couple months, then dump you once I’m totally bored. Your goal in bed with me is to make me feel good and make me feel closer to you, every time. I'll do the same.

1-You should be confident not only in yourself, but in me as well.

2-You should be more of the romantic. I am the lesser.

3-You must be ambitious and eager about things for your own life, because that will inspire me to share it with you.

4-You have to realize that I am a Gemini and with that comes 2 personalities on their own agenda. You’ll have to be able to adjust yours. Sue me. I’m moody. It’ll be best if you are laid back about it. If you’re not, we’ll fight. I’ll win. You’ll get dumped.

5-You have to be athletic. I will want to sleep with you at night, kiss you in the morning, and throw the football during the day.

6-You have to be smart, not a genius, but smart. I should learn something from you everyday.

7-You’ll have to love my family. If you can’t...there’s no way you can love me.

8-Simply want me. Never need me.

-PUMP UP THE VOLUME-

2006-01-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

I did this company review thing at work back in like November or something. It was a pretty big deal. It’s kind of my boss’s way of finding out what’s going on in people’s heads at work...what we love...what we hate...what will make us better...etc. Anyways, it took me like 3 hours to complete the damn questionnaire...and it was completely anonymous, so that’s good for people who are afraid of what the boss men may think. Me though...I made sure they’d know which questionnaire was mine.

For the most part I answered all of the questions honestly and thoughtfully, but when a question popped up kinda like this...”What do you think would improve worker morale for yourself and/or throughout the agency?” my answer was only obvious. I took the opportunity to put in a request for speakers for Alisha’s computer, so I can turn my music up louder (the factory laptop speakers are too weak). I specifically requested the JBL Creature Speakers, because they match my computer, they’re only a hundred bucks, and they rock out. I didn’t feel like I was asking for too much.

So a month went by, and nothing. No response. No speakers. I gave up hope, and over the Christmas holiday I bought the speakers with my own money. Then, just this Monday, my boss spoke up in our big Monday Morning Meeting and said that they’d reviewed the surveys, and he thanked everyone for doing them, and yadda yadda. They plan on sharing the findings with us next month, after they figure out who said what. (He was kidding.) But before the meeting was over I said aloud, “I’m the one who requested the speakers.”

I just assumed they over-looked my request, and thought I was joking. But not 30 minutes later my boss passed me in the hall, and said to me, “JBL right? The JBL Creature speakers.” I was amazed. I guess they really are paying attention.

-TOOTY McTOOTERSON-

2006-01-20T11:40:00.000-08:00

Most of you probably don’t know this about me...

I have the worst gas of anyone I have ever come into contact with. Seriously, I think something is dead inside of me. When I pass gas, I can easily clear a room...myself included. And I get it on a daily basis. Just doesn’t seem right.

Any suggestions for what I can do to help with this? I tried googling it, but no luck. I think I may be the only person in the world with this problem.

-AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?-

2006-01-17T11:15:00.000-08:00

So I watched the Golden Globes last night, and apparently Brokeback Mountain is an amazing movie. Supposedly that movie is what our American culture needed in order to change society’s stereotypical views of gay men. But quite honestly, it only confirmed mine.

Two guys spend 3 months alone on a mountain, and they end up getting together. The FIRST time they hook up, it’s an overly-aggressive, bend over and take it from behind kind of act. (It was not love. It was disgusting. It would be disgusting even watching a guy and girl go at it like that. That scene alone did it for me and this overrated movie, and it didn’t get much better.) Anyways, the cowboys eventually leave the mountain and marry women, but they continue to meet once or twice a year to “fish” (pack fudge with one another). Even through all of this, it was clearly still never love for the both of them. It was simply butt-humping for one guy, and a sissy-punk cowboy’s addiction to being butt-humped. In the end, one of the gay cowboys gets killed, and yeah that’s sad. But you can’t go around as a married man, making eyes with a bunch of straight men and not expect to get your ass whooped. In his case, he was beat to death.

So call me a hypocrite. Call me what you want. Yes I am a woman. And yes I love one. But I guarantee that if you put me on film to show you my love story and to help society understand gay women you better believe it wouldn’t turn out like this overrated flick. Maybe this movie helped mother’s of gay sons...maybe it helped closet-cases deal with their sexuality...I don’t know. But for me this movie was a poor Hollywood display of mistaking love for something completely outrageous.

But regardless of what I think, the Golden Globe goes to...you guessed it. Brokeback Mountain.

-MY DAD-

2006-01-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

He’s a real nice guy, and a good dad too. I’m his only child. Ya know, his baby girl. He’s always been real good about how he teaches me things and disciplines me. He never beat me or anything growing up (well, there was that one time...just kiddin’.) He told me what to do at times, but mostly just gave me advice to live by. Whether I took it or left it, I’d learn.

Now, I’m 24, and he still tries to tell me what to do occasionally. His most recent gripe...”You need to stop cussing on your blog.” Yes, I let him read my blog, and yeah I cuss a little bit. It’s not like he can ground me or anything. He can’t judge me or disown me either. I’m his only child. Anyways, he sent me this email today, and I thought it was cute...
--
YOUR BLOG SITE STORY ABOUT DARCI UNKNOWINGLY SAVING UP TO BUY YOU A RING IS HILARIOUS...YOU REALLY ARE SLY LIKE YOUR MOM...AND THERE IS NO PROFANITY IN THE STORY...VERY NICE INDEED...

BE CAREFUL ABOUT LISTING YOUR EMPLOYMENT FOO FOO'S LIKE THE TARGET STEREO THANG...DO NOT JEOPARDIZE YOUR PRIVACY...

SEEN ANY ARMADILLOS LATELY????????

I SLAUGHTERED THE DEER IN BRADY...UNFORGETTABLE...IT WAS GREAT...

KAREN ASTON E-MAILED AND SAID SHE IS READY TO BUY A MOTORCYCLE...

TAKE CARE ...I LOVE YOU...
--
He’s all over the place, but he sure is funny.

-FOUR-

2006-01-10T07:33:00.000-08:00

4 JOBS I'VE HAD:
-At 14, Food Lion
(gave a fake social just to work with my best friend...they didn’t hire 14 year olds)
-At 15, Target
(gave myself a rather large employee discount on a stereo...got fired.)
-Ages 16-18, Angel Computer Resources
-Ages 21-current, McGarrah/Jessee Ad Agency

4 MOVIES I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
-The Notebook
-Top Gun
-Goodwill Hunting
-Big Daddy

4 PLACES I HAVE LIVED:
-Dallas, Texas
-Raleigh, North Carolina
-Lewisville, Texas
-Austin, Texas

4 TV SHOWS I LOVE TO WATCH:
-The L Word
-Sportscenter
-College Gameday
-Charlie Brown Holiday Specials

4 PLACES I HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:
-Hawaii
-Sacramento-San Fran, LA
-New York
-St. Thomas Virgin Islands

4 OF MY FAVORITE FOODS:
-Sushi
-Broccoli
-Avocado ‘n Eggs
-Chipotle Burrito Bowl

4 PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
-Skiing
-Hiking
-Biking
-Doing Yoga on the Beach

-THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE RING?-

2006-01-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

Normally, my alarm clock rings at 7 every morning. Darci gets up first, lets Tanner out, feeds him, then makes me breakfast. About 5 to 10 minutes later I wake up, start a pot of coffee, and go take my shower while Darci continues making breakfast. (She’s a real good girlfriend like that.) When I get out...We sit down...Eat...Then she does the dishes while I go finish getting ready for work.

Around 8 or so, we leave for work, together. She drops me off. Calls me 3 or 4 times throughout the day, and picks me up around 6 when my day is over.

That was then.

Now, Darci has a job at Waterloo waiting tables from like 6 am to 3 pm everyday. Do you know what that means? No really, do you have any idea? I don’t think you do.

That means what used to be a 7 o’clock wake up time, is now 5 o’clock...in the morning. It’s still dark at 5 am, people.

Yeah, and what’s even better, around 5:05 this morning I was the one slaving over the stove, making her breakfast, while she ran around the house getting ready for work. And that’s cool though, because the way I see it, working 8 hours a day, she has the potential to make AT LEAST 50 bucks a day in tips. And that’s on a slow day, not even including hourly wage.

I don’t know if she knows this, but after working only 50 shifts at Waterloo, she’ll have enough money to buy me that ring she’s saving up for. I don’t know if she knows this either, but since she got this new job...she’s saving up for a ring.

That Darci. She sure is sweet.

-MY LETTER TO VINCE-

2006-01-05T15:12:00.000-08:00

And yes, you better believe that I'm really gonna send it to him.
--

Vince,

Let me just get this out of the way first in case it makes a difference…This letter comes to you from a former UT student-athlete (Alisha Sare-Women’s Basketball 1999-2003), so please don’t toss this to the side thinking I’m some kind of crazed fan. I’m not. I’m not a jersey-chasin' groupie. I don't want to become your friend. I’m not going to ask you to write back. I’m just a normal athlete who happened to have an awesome senior year at UT. I only want to share my perspective with you with the hopes that you don’t miss out on one of the most amazing experiences in your life.

My time at Texas was by far the best 4 years of my life up to this point. It taught me more about life than I ever thought I’d learn, and I had a blast every step of the way. Just by seeing the strides you made your sophomore to junior year, and the look on your face when you play your game, I’m guessing you’d say much of the same about your time at UT as well.

On the field you look like a poised polished man, having the time of his life playing a kid’s game. And that’s the way it should be. I’m not about to rant about you coming back to Texas for a shot at another National Title, or for a chance at the Heisman. I could really care less about that stuff.

To me, sports in general are nothing more than a game, regardless of whether you play collegiately or professionally. Already, because you’ve proven yourself, the game of football will always take care of you. Whether it’s to get your college degree or make buhgillions ($$$) in the NFL, your passion and talent will continue to grow and lead you wherever you want to go, no matter what.

My only hope is that you don’t leave behind is something you can never get back…and that’s your senior year of college. That’s what this letter is really about. Whether you’re a bench-riding, no-talent-having, walk-on, or a Superstar Heisman Candidate, the senior year of college makes such a huge impact on your life.

The money, the fame, the competition, the game, the NFL…all of that…will always be there for you. And as for The University of Texas…the fans, the team, the coaches, the school...you’ve already done more than enough for all of them. Staying for your senior year would no doubt make all of those people happy, but this isn’t about everybody else. They will have to let go of Vince Young at some point, just like they did with Applewhite and Simms. What’s most important is you…and that you leave this university fulfilled.

You can have your NFL rookie year whenever you decide, but now is the only time that you can be a senior. I’d hate for you to miss out on that experience. You can play 15 years in the NFL and it never make the same impression as if you just play your senior year in college. At Texas, everyone who has a hand in it this next year will do everything in their power to make “Vince’s senior year” an amazing one. Please don’t pass it by.

All the Best to You,
Alisha

-CHAMPIONSHISH...-

2006-01-05T10:08:00.000-08:00

Kabobs, that is.

Last night, in preparation for our Rose Bowl watching party (it was really just me and Darci), we made a lovely dinner. The championshishkabobs alone, made for a perfect victory dinner. Green bell peppers, red bell peppers, onions, portabella mushrooms, shrimp, steak, chicken and bacon all on a heavy-duty metal double-pronged skewer...mmmm mmm mm. That’s how champions eat.

But, I also find it rather interesting that the Waterford crystal glasses that we drank our wine from, closely resemble that of the crystal used for our new Championship trophy. Coincidence? I think not.

BEFORE

AFTER

DINNER CRYSTAL

-LIFE & DEATH OF AN ARMADILLO-

2006-01-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

The Armadillo is born.
It learns to dig.
It digs up Alisha’s flowerbeds (therefore pissing Alisha off).
On the night of January 3rd it was caught digging behind Alisha’s house (pissing Alisha off more and causing her to get her gun).
Alisha takes aim.
The Armadillo hears a loud “boom!”
It jumps.
It dies.
The digging ends.
But the flowerbeds survive.

-ALISHA’S BEST OF THE BLOG 2005-

2006-01-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

BIGGEST AUDIENCE RESPONSE IN ‘05
September’s -”PLAY THAT SHIT!”-
(17 comments)
CLICK HERE

MOST REAL POST OF ‘05
December’s-BLOG vs. JOURNAL-
CLICK HERE

MOST DIFFICULT TO WRITE IN ‘05
October’s-JUST DEALING-
CLICK HERE

MOST THANKFUL POST OF ‘05
November’s-THANK YOU ROOMATES.COM-
CLICK HERE

THE ‘05 POST THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER WITH PICTURES
December’s-”EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT IN THERE.”-
CLICK HERE

THE LONGEST POST YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T READ IN ‘05
October’s-CONVERSATION: CULLEN’S COLONY-
CLICK HERE

BEST POST BY THE COUNSELOR IN ‘05
December’s-SINCE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT-
CLICK HERE

MOST IMPRESSIVE SHOUT-OUT OF ‘05
Rachael’s-AIR SARE-
CLICK HERE

-THE WEEKEND IN PICTURES-

2006-01-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

THEME: A New Year's celebration sealed with a kiss.

New Year’s Eve dinner with my Darci.

The neighbor’s kids, although the one on the left could be mine. Look at those cheeks!

It’s downhill from here. White Trash New Year’s at Da House...here we come.

Nothing says “white trash” like a homemade thong tha thong thong thong.

I have no idea...

A White Trash welcome to 2006.

-HAPPY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS-

2006-01-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

2006 promises to be a year of fulfilling resolutions:

1. NO BREAK-UPS-The past 4 years of my life have been tainted by love being lost. Not this year.

2. SEXUAL AFFECTION EVERY SINGLE DAY-Whether it’s making-out or making love. Some kinda sumn sumn is going down every 24 hours or less. And why not? Love makes the world go ‘round.

3. I’M TAKING AN ACTING CLASS-Not to become an actor, but to express myself in a new kind of way. I perfected the car singing performances in 2005. I take the stage in ‘06. Take 1....snap!

-FLOWERS 4 ME...2 DAYS IN A ROW-

2005-12-30T14:14:00.000-08:00

1-800-Flowers screwed up. Darci caught 'em.

The result?

I get more flowers.

I love my girl.

-HOLIDAY DRINKING EVOKES SOME OF MY FAVORITE COMMENTS-

2005-12-30T08:21:00.000-08:00

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." Stephen Wright

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

And saving the best for last, As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

COUNSELOR

-MY BABY’S COMING HOME-

2005-12-29T11:57:00.000-08:00

And she is the sweetest thing ever.

-YOU’VE CLEARLY GOT AN EATING DISORDER-

2005-12-29T11:44:00.000-08:00

This is some funny shit here. So I was home for the holidays right. And at my house in Lewisville my dad always keeps a hella stock of bottled water on hand, so I drink like two bottles at a time all day and night long. You know, being that I’m an ex-athlete...I like to drink the water in mass-consumption. That’s just what I do.

So get this. I was sitting at the dinner table playing poker with a bunch of friends, and just as I go to take a huge gulp of water my best friend Heather says something hilarious. Needless to say, I laughed, and had water coming out of my ears, nose and mouth. It was quite a spectacle. But out of know where, before I knew it...my mom (who weighs a skinny 106 lbs) started bitching me out. “Alisha you need to chill out on the water! You are drinking too much too fast, and it just made you throw up. Do you have an eating disorder? You know people who have eating disorders drink water like you do, and then they throw up.”

Holy shit I thought to myself. Me and my healthy 140 pound body were dumbfounded. I didn’t know how to respond to that. I just raised my Dasani in the air, wiped the spewed water from my chin, and threw back some more of that high-quality H2O. Cheers to you mom. You lunatic.

Now this is the killer though...

While I was being cussed out in the kitchen for drinking too much water...My dad was in the game room getting wasted on his 11th shot of whiskey. And at the same time, my cousin was smoking a blunt and gambling all of the money in his wallet on a single game of pool.

But clearly...my water addiction was the biggest problem we had in the Sare household this holiday season.

Happy Holidays.
--
This is Heather and I. She's the funny one who made me laugh with the water in my mouth.

-ON OCCASION-

2005-12-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

I send my client Bloggertainment. But I just copy and paste certain postings into an email for her, because I can’t have her running around with my blog link at Whataburger Corporate Headquarters. That could get me fired if the wrong person got their hands on it.

Well, I just sent her the “5 Things” post from below, and she sent back 5 things about her. I found them so interesting, I’ve decided to post.

You may think that this kind of communication between my client and I is a waste of precious work time. But I like to think of this as building client relationships. It's important.

1. I never went to high a school dance. No one asked. But I did participate by painting all the themed back drops for the couple photos.

2. The first day of my freshman year this guy stood up and said, "Hail Hitler" during the Pledge of Allegiance. It then started a huge fight, and the cops showed up. I was terrified. Not because I was scared for my life, but because the idiot was my brother. He spent his senior year in alternative school and no one ever made the connection.

3. While everyone else was taking dance lessons as a child, I was in the Rock Club. No, not music, rocks. I loved studying rocks. I would sit in my Grandmother's driveway for hours and polish rocks in the polisher. It's amazing what an ugly stone can become.

4. When I was 7, my brother and I put sheets on our head and chased each other around the house. It was Halloween. My Mom was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. I tripped. I fell. I got stabbed with a butcher knife and a 2-prong meat fork. Barely missed the lungs. My Mom passed out due to blood and my dad, who was loaded, had to drive me to the hospital. I remember being in the backseat of the VW bus bouncing around and asking if I was going to die. My dad's reply was, "no, but do you mind if we stop for a roadie."

5. I didn't wet my bed ever. But I got sent home several times from school for peeing in pants from laughing so hard. Peeing at home on yourself is ten time better.

-BLOGINOLOGY-

2005-12-19T09:09:00.000-08:00

Like terminology, but for blogging.

I’ve decided to create a lingo for the Blogger Nation. There are many times when I refer to something normal, but in relation to blogging. Therefore, I’ve created a new set of Blogabulary.

Blogtastic-like fantastic, but in Blogabulary it means that something is worthy of going on the blog.
Used in a sentence: Alisha beat Darci in poker. That’s blogtastic.

Bloggertainment-like entertainment, but served up from the blog.
Used in a sentence: Alisha’s client was bored at work, so she sent her the Gemini stimuli link for some bloggertainment.

I’ll be adding to these as more blogabulary comes to me.

-5 THINGS...-

2005-12-19T08:23:00.000-08:00

People probably don’t know about me:

V. When I eat I cut up my meat and vegetables into perfect little proportionate bites. And, I arrange them on my plate as I eat so that it always looks evenly spaced. Usually in rows of two.

IV. When I was in 1st grade my dad received a call from my teacher requesting a parent-teacher conference. At first he was a little surprised and got defensive because I made straight A’s and had perfect conduct. My dad was somewhat embarrassed (but not surprised) when the teacher revealed the problem. “Ya see Mr. Sare, lately, Alisha’s been making bets with other students and taking all of their lunch money.”

III. In the 5th grade all Texas public schools take the students to a camp for a whole week. I got sent home on the 4th day because I mooned the boys in the cabin across the way. I had to ride all the way home from Oklahoma with my school principal, who just happened to be visiting camp that day. To this day, I make it a point to moon someone at least 3 times a week.

II. I wet the bed until I was 12. I slept in bed with my mom until I was 14.

I. There are 3 UT graduates in the NBA right now who I’ve beat in H-O-R-S-E at least once...Chris Mihm, Maurice Evans, TJ Ford.

-THE WEEKEND IN PICTURES-

2005-12-19T07:36:00.000-08:00

Paint.

Paint and Furniture.

Paint, Furniture, and Decoration.

Paint, Furniture, Decoration, and VICTORY.

-JOKE OF THE DAY-

2005-12-16T06:52:00.000-08:00

Entertainment Value

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some broccoli. The waiter said, ''Sorry, there's no broccoli.''

So the man asked for a meat pie and broccoli. The waiter said, "There is no broccoli."

So he asked for a meat pie, chips, and broccoli. The waiter replied, ''Spell cat, as in catastrophe.''

''C-A-T,'' the man answered.

The waiter then asked, ''Spell dog as in dogmatic.''

The man said ''D-O-G.''

''Now spell fuck, as in broccoli,'' the waiter said.

The man yelled ''THERE'S NO FUCK IN BROCCOLI!''

The waiter laughed, ''EXACTLY!!"

-HAPPY CHRISMA-HANNA-KWANZAKA TO YOU-

2005-12-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about working in advertising is getting too see and hear crazy creative shit. Check this thing out that Virgin Mobile did. It’s just random fun for the holidays. Love it.

Call this number:

1-888-353-7667

I recommend you press 2 to hear the Hindu Santa. It’s the funniest option. But the others are good too.

-EVERYONE LOVES A TEXAS GIRL-

2005-12-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

Random quickie...from some guy I don’t even know, but oh well.

This was his email:

Went to a party at Lauren’s on Saturday night. About 20 people. Half of us went to some random bar, the other half went to this upscale place called Marquee. Anyways, these 2 pretty girls who were visiting Lauren from Texas went to Marquee. I didn't of course, opting for the hole in the wall with $3 beers.

So yesterday morning, Lauren calls me and says "Do you know some guy named Matt Line Hart?" I laugh and say yeah and don't bother to correct her. She says, well he was at Marquee last night, and hit on one of the girls from Texas all night, danced with her, and then was so drunk he groped her. She turned around and slapped him, and left. I said yea yea, I doubt it even though it kinda made sense that he would be in an upscale club (in New York) getting trashed after losing the Heisman.

I told her I'd believe the story when I saw pictures. Wellll, here they are...

-COUNSELOR CASUALLY IGNORING FRIENDS-

2005-12-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

Where the hell are you, Counselor? Are you busy getting sued? Are you busy suing someone? Are you busy at all? You don’t call. You don’t write. What the hell happened?

I'm not gonna lie. I am a little upset. But don’t you worry, you will be able to redeem yourself for this behavior soon.

I’ll be home for Christmas on Thursday night December 22nd. I will be going back to Austin the night of Tuesday the 27th. On Tuesday morning however, I’ll be attending the Whataburger Basketball Tournament on business. It is in the Dallas/Richardson area. I’d be much obliged if you’d like to join me, see some basketball action, meet some Whataburger folks, tournament directors and such. It may be a good networking opportunity for you, but even if it isn’t you could still hang out with me and keep me entertained. Shit, I haven’t talked you in so long though...I wonder, are you still entertaining?

Hope you’re doing ok.

Oh, and uh, please stop ignoring me. Thank you.

-SINCE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT-

2005-12-13T13:07:00.000-08:00

Things I like to do at Wal-Mart while my spouse
is taking her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and
pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say
"PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume
the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while;
and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

This is how the Counselor likes to get down....

-THE WEEKEND IN PICTURES-

2005-12-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

Jeff-Darci-Alisha

Dirk Nowitzki searching the crowd for me...
Jeff took us to a Mavs game and dinner as our Christmas present.

Darci and Jeff are acting like they see something. They don't.

I bought Jeff and I matching Dirk shirts. We're going to play tricks on Darci with these.

Darci got me a poker set for Christmas, and then she beat my ass in poker. This is bullshit!

I am my daddy's favorite child. It's obvious.

-BLOG vs. JOURNAL-

2005-12-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

So I am at lunch today with Darci and she revealed to me that she has an online journal. She just started it. She wants it to be her own personal thing, that no one else reads, and I kind of wondered why for a second. But I do understand, from her point of view, why she would want that for her.

But why not just write it down, in a real journal, with a pen, as opposed to typing it up on a public webspace?

Then I thought some more...

I wondered what it would be like if I turned my blog into my “journal” for a week and just said what’s in my heart on my mind. What if I did that instead of entertainingly spinning everything? I wonder if people would still read it. If they would laugh or cry. If wonder if Darci would kill me after day 1. The answer is yes, she would.

I wonder...why the fuck should I care what anyone thinks. Fuck it. This is mine. Don’t click the link if you don’t want to see what I have to say. Right? Right.
--
DAY 1 JOURNAL

I’m looking at my fucking hand right now wondering why in the fuck this poison ivy rash that I’ve been scratching the fuck out of is scarring. It’s gonna make my whole hand look ugly if it doesn’t go away.

I’m also still wondering why Darci started an online journal in the first place, that she doesn’t want me to read, but she wanted me to know about. Is it so she can write about me when I piss her off? Or am I selfish for thinking its “all about me”? Is it because she has things she wants to write about that she can’t talk to me about? Well that’s just even fuckin’ better?

And tonight I have a Christmas party to go to for work, and damn near all the fucking people I like to hang out with from work have quit working here, so I’m pretty much on my own. This sure will be fun. “Bartender, can I get one more glass of red wine please?” Yeah, that’s me, standing in the corner with the glass of red wine.

THE END of DAY 1 JOURNAL
--

So about my first online journal experience...it sucked. I hate it. You wanna know how many times I hit backspace and erased a perfectly fine “journal thought?” A lot. So what you just read, wasn’t really my fucking journal. It was an edited, thought over, back-spaced, spell checked, “oops, I can’t say that” backspace, backspace, backspace, bunch of shit.

I have a “real” journal at home. It’s leather-bound with rubber bands wrapped around it to keep it shut. It’s got about 22 entries in it from the past 2 years. Most pages have lines of crossed out thoughts (but I can still read what’s written underneath). A lot of it doesn’t make sense. A bunch of shit is miss-spelled, but who cares. And some of the pages have words smeared from tears. Maybe from when I wrote it. Maybe from every time I re-read it.

Have you ever seen “The Notebook”?

Think about if that movie was made in 2055. Would Duke read the journal to Allie at www.journal-time.com by the lake from their laptop, instead of reading from the handwritten book of their life?

When Noah just missed the love of his life leaving town, would he chase after her on foot? Would he still have written 365 letters, one every day for a year, to tell her how much he loved her?

No. He would have reached for his flip phone and speed dialed Allie and told her to come back to him? End of scene.

What the fuck happened to letters…in the mail? What happened to surprising someone by showing up on their doorstep…instead of calling them first? What the fuck happened to the journal?

I apologize. You’re probably annoyed that this is entirely too long for just being a blog entry. But fuck it; if this were a book you were holding in your hands, you’d just turn the page. Who knows the difference any more?

-SO, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO?-

2005-12-08T15:59:00.000-08:00

People often ask me, “so what do you do for a living.” My answer, “I’m in advertising.” And they’re always like, “so is that the same as marketing, or PR?” I always have a hard time really explaining it, but hopefully this will help you understand.

Here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That’s Brand recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

Being that I'm in Advertising...all my friends are apparently going up to people telling them how good I am in bed. Good profession to be in if you ask me.

-SNIP SNIP-

2005-12-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

If you don’t know, now you know. I don’t get my haircut all that often, maybe 3 times a year, so when I do, it’s kind of a big deal. I only really do it if I have to dress up and the piggies don’t go well with my outfit. So with the agency Christmas party just around the corner...I’m getting my hair did.

I always use Meg Ryan as my hair model. I print out a picture. Take it in to the salon. And say, “I want it to look just like that.” Of course, without the blonde. Usually, I take in the picture below and ask for this exact cut, but an inch shorter than what’s in the picture.
This year, however, I’m leaning more towards this...(Below)...and I’m even contemplating throwing in a little color for shits and giggles.
So these are from last year’s Christmas Party...probably the last time I wore my hair down...

And, I wonder what this year will turn out like. My appointment is for 5:00 Friday...the party starts at 7:00. Cuttin’ it kinda close (pun) on time. How do you guys feel about it...the cut..and possible color? Is it me?

-”EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT IN THERE.”-

2005-12-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

I’m sure you’ll all be glad to know that I had my annual girly doctor visit today. I always schedule the early morning appointment and do my best to clean up down there before I go in. You know...I bathe, shave, spray a nice subtle scent, sprinkle some glitter...the whole nine yards. The Doc really appreciates my attention to detail.

But it never fails...I always screw something up. Like this time...I wore my Birkenstocks, so when I took my shoes and clothes off to put on that sexy hospital gown, my damn feet stunk. I hate that, because when the Doc does what she does with that cold metal thing and the q-tip...she’s RIGHT by my feet. I’d hate for her to think my yah-hah smells like feet, when in all actuality it smells more like Lavender. Anyways, before the Doc made it into the room I managed to cover my feet in Purel and disguise the Birkenstock feet scent. Whew. As for the rest of the visit...”Everything looks great in there.” Hey, don’t be mad. I’m just quoting the Doc.

-NO REALLY, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!-

2005-12-05T15:25:00.000-08:00

Y’all all know that song, “Who let the dogs out? Whooo, whooo, whoo who who!” Right?

Well, this weekend I did something I haven’t done in a really long time. Went out, got wasted, and woke up in the morning with some guy passed-out face down on my pull-out couch.

(Went out: in Austin. Got wasted: on Jack. The guy on the couch: that’s Jeff.)

The funny part about all of this...Jeff’s an asthmatic and happens to be severely allergic to Tanner. At some point in this drunken night, I pass out in my room, Darci passes out on me, and Jeff passes out on the couch. Later in the evening my roommate Jacqueline wakes up to do one thing...let the dogs out to pee. Before long, Tanner, who was sleeping with me and Darci, is laying on the couch with Jeff the asthmatic. Mind you, Darci and I are, well, still passed out in my room, and Jeff...he can’t breathe.

I don’t know if Jeff’s drunk just wore off, or if an angel swooped down from the heavens to wake him up, but something saved his life that night. He woke up gasping for breath and ran out to his truck to get his inhaler. Luckily, he made it.

But the more I think about that song...”Who let the dogs out?” That part that goes like this, ”Whooo, whooo, whoo who who!” sounds like wheezing. Coincidence? I think not.

-A FEW THINGS-

2005-12-04T16:54:00.000-08:00

5 random things you might not know about me…
-I get poison ivy at least 5 times a year
-I love to perform
-Over-the-top comedy is not funny to me (i.e. Anchorman)
-I never plan on retiring
-I ALWAYS know what I’m getting for Christmas
--
3 ways to my heart…
-Entertain me
-Challenge me
-Romance me
--
5 things to do before I die…
-Gamble in Vegas
-Lay wood floors
-Hike the Grand Canyon
-Go to the Olympics
-Write a book
--
3 ways to turn me off…
-Call me a Bitch
-Be Lazy
-Insult someone I care about
--
3 things I'm afraid of…
-Spiders
-Dying before my parents
-Witnessing a violent death
--
5 things I'm not fond of…
-Death
-Shaving my legs
-Breaking up
-Car accidents
-Moochers
--
5 things I do daily…
-Kiss Tanner
-Pet Darci
-Call my mom
-Read my horoscope
-Drink coffee
--
5 things on my mind right now...
-How much I miss college and basketball
-MS13
-Meatloaf (made from ground Turkey)
-Love Actually
-Tooters
--
5 things that can make me smile...
-Someone else’s smile
-Morning kisses
-Christmas lights
-Flowers
-Fudgesickles

-MESSAGE FROM A LONG LOST FRIEND-

2005-12-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

Silver writes:

I enjoy reading your blog.

You going to marry her?
---
To that I respond:

Did you read it today?

I almost dumped her for waking me up that ealry and letting me ride my bike in the freezing cold.
---

-NUMB-

2005-12-02T07:50:00.000-08:00

You know, one of the things I love most about Darci is her laid back go-with-the-flow mentality. She balances me out a lot of the time while dealing with my abundance of stress. But man-oh-man, when it comes to being on time for something, she’s one overly antsy, OCD, bundle of nerves.

For example, last night Darci picked me up from work and we went to First Thursday on South Congress. When the fun was over we decided to just ride home together and have Darci drop me off at work the next morning. She had an interview at 8:30 am, so it would have worked out perfectly. At about 4 o’clock this morning it dawned on her that she didn’t know where her interview was. Good one Darc. Come to find out it was in the completely opposite direction of my job. So at about 7 o’clock in the morning she tries to wake me and make me leave the house by 7:15. No way Jose, I don’t think so. (Remember, I don’t have my car.) I get to work between 8:30 and 9. Not at 7:30. Definitely not on a Friday.

So she’s stomping around trying to get ready for her interview, and in her serious voice she says to me, “baby, get up I cannot be late for this interview.” To that I replied...”no, 5 more minutes.” Her OCD time-sensitive side didn’t like that answer. So after a couple more minutes of huffing and puffing, I pull my head from the covers and say, “I’ll just ride my bike to work, so there.” She didn’t care. She was going to be on time to her gig and that’s all that matters.

So now, it’s 9:50, and I’ve been at work for just over an hour. Today was the coldest day of the year, 40 degrees to be exact, and I’m still numb from the 6-mile bike ride in.

Hope your interview went well, honey. I can’t feel my fingers.

-GIFTS FOR ME-

2005-12-01T13:19:00.000-08:00

ALISHA:

I was just sitting here at my desk doing boring lawyer stuff when someone brought a package into me. When I opened it, I couldn't believe my eyes. A gift for me from Alisha!!! I have already put my cards in it, and I am eagerly waiting for someone to ask me for a card so I can take it out of my pocket and show everyone how big time I am.

You know I love buying you guys lunch. I will always buy you guys lunch every single time you come and visit me. Oh, and I will try to take you to a less "mobster" like place that Darci likes better.

-HOW SWEET IT IS...-

2005-12-01T07:57:00.000-08:00

I don’t know how she does it, but Darci always finds a way to just keep on loving me...even when I don’t deserve it. I had a really rough day yesterday, and when she got home from soccer practice I was in a pretty piss-poor mood. I did my best not to take things out on her, so I just sat quietly on the couch. (If I say anything when I’m upset or stressed then things to get sour real fast.) Darci sat down at the other end of the couch and just waited...I was reading ESPN the magazine and watching Court TV, again, trying to stay quiet and keep my mind off of work, but at the same time, not paying too much attention to her. Before I knew it Darci was massaging my feet and tickling me gently, both of which brought a smile to my face. It wasn’t too long after that that we found ourselves on opposite ends of the couch with our legs tangled up in one another watching the Psychic Detective with a glass of red wine. All my troubles just seemed to fade away.

How sweet it is to be loved by you.

-THANKSGIVING WITH MI FAMILIA-

2005-11-29T06:27:00.000-08:00

Everybody needs a little Bruce and Shannon around the holidays.

-THANK YOU ROOMMATES.COM-

2005-11-28T22:21:00.000-08:00

(INCASE YOU DON'T KNOW ALREADY, MY CURRENT ROOMIE, JACKIE B, IS MOVING OUT IN MID-DECEMBER. JUST YESTERDAY I SIGNED ONTO ROOMMATES.COM AND I ALREADY FOUND A REPLACEMENT. HIS NAME IS JEFF, AND I'M SURE YOU ALL WILL LOVE HIM.)
--
(FROM JEFF)
--
Hey Alisha,
I like your place too much to say no and you're really cool and I think it would be a lot of fun to live there. If you happen to come across someone else that you think would work out better then don't be reluctant to let me know. I'm extremely flexible so just whatever is best for you. When I was up in Austin this morning I checked out the 24 hour fitness and ended up signing up and shot around a bit. It's pretty cool. The spinning classes are a must. Those are a lot of fun. Well, I'm going to go ahead and take myself off of this site and so if you want to e-mail me my address is (NOT DISCLOSED TO PROTECT MY NEW ROOMMATE).
--
(MY RESPONSE BELOW)
--
Jeff-
Hells yes. I'm pumped about you wanting to move in. Totally roomie-luv at first sight if you ask me. Seriously. Being that I’m a girl and all, for some reason it always just sucks to live with girls. I’m so looking forward to having a guy around. And my roommate search is over too.

I’m glad you signed up at 24 Hour. You should have told me though and I could have gotten you a discount or something…referrals help ya know. ;) We can ball that shit up. Let me know when you are up there, and I’ll meet you.

Ok, so I’m attaching a document (totally informal…not a lease by any means…just an agreement) to re-assure me that you’re totally legit and that I’m not going to get dicked over. Read through it. Let me know if you’re cool with it. It’s just so that we’re on the same page. If you agree, you can sign it the next time you see me. If you don’t, I’ll change it up. Cool?

Alright, so holler at me next time you’re near. My Darci wants to meet you and hang out soon too.

-Alisha
--
(ROOMMATE AGREEMENT)
--
Between: Jeff (fill in your last name here please) and Alisha
Drafted: 11/28/05
Agreed Upon: xx/xx/05

Jeff agrees to move in with me in my home at (MY ADDRESS HERE) between the dates of December 16th, 2005 and January 1st, 2006. The rent payment of $550.00 is due to Alisha on the 1st of each month (cash, check, money-order—all ok). If you want to move in early (before January 1st, 2006) I will prorate the rent per day ($550.00 DIVIDED BY the # of days in the month TIMES the number of days you or your stuff is here). We’ll do a month to month lease thing, but if you plan on moving out please give me a month’s notice. If there comes a time that I want you to move out I’ll give you a month’s notice as well.

Alisha and Jeff will split bills (listed and ESTIMATED) below:
-Electric/Waste/Water-$50 (winter) to $100 (summer) per month/per person
-Gas-normally doesn’t exceed $15 per month/per person
-Cable/Roadrunner-roughly $65 per month/per person (but I’d like to reduce this by eliminating digital cable—I don’t use it—and maybe even going dial-up for internet—we can figure it out.)
-Alarm-$17 per month/per person
ESTIMATED TOTAL MAXIMUM BILLS PER PERSON/PER MONTH=$200
You can pay bill for bill as they come, or if you’d prefer to just pay a flat rate of $150 on top of rent the first of each month ($700 per month all bills included)…that may be easier, but it’s totally up to you.

If you foresee something (i.e. travel) that will keep you from being able to pay rent or bills on time, please make the payment out to me early and I will gladly hold it until the 1st of the month. In other words, please pay me sooner than later. The mortgage comes out of my bank account midnight of the 2nd. I like to have “the roommate half” in the bank by the 1st. Otherwise, I’m broke until all the funds settle. Same situation with the bills.

No security deposit is necessary, but if you decide you want to paint or alter the house in any way, please ask first. And please don’t paint the dog.

I can’t think of anything else at this time, except that you also promise to kill the spiders and help me with the disgusting trash. I hate them both. And also we should make a rule to play basketball and do spin class at least twice a week. (I’ll kill you in H-O-R-S-E at least once a week).

Please let me know if you agree with this stuff above or if you have issues and wish to change things.

Thanks Jeff.

Alisha

-DISCOUNT SEARCH-

2005-11-28T09:40:00.000-08:00

Home improvements are in the near future and I need the following:

1. Someone who works in the furniture industry. (I’m in the market for a new couch and table.)
2. Someone who can get me a fat discount on laminate floor and tile.
3. An electrician.

Somebody? Anybody?

-PINOCCHIO-

2005-11-25T19:17:00.000-08:00

"A glass half empty is indeed half full, but half a lie will never be half the truth."

I've never heard many words more true. Drink up a bottle of Pinocchio and understand what I mean.

http://www.vinopinocchio.it/

It's just wine. But really. Just get some. It's called Pinocchio...like the cartoon. It's fuckin' good. And it's cheap (mel jay). Enjoy.

I love you all.

-IT’S NICE TO SHARE (but not always)-

2005-11-15T11:44:00.000-08:00

AIR10143: I'm talking to Counselor...about 3-somes.

DOPEYZEROZERO: I don’t want a 3-some.

AIR10143: I know!
AIR10143: Who do you think i am!
AIR10143: But why not?

DOPEYZEROZERO: I’m not sharing.
--

So there you have it...

-GETTING TO KNOW ME-

2005-11-14T19:04:00.000-08:00

Compliments of Rachael...Thanks.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
1967 Volkswagen Beetle Owner’s Manual

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Operation

FAVORITE MAGAZINE?
Found

FAVORITE SOUND?
The sound of orgasm

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
Learning of, or breaking the news of death

FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING?
Snooze

HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
1

FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
Austin

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
Love

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
Occasionally

DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
Yes, Darci

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
Ford Ranger

FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
South Beath Diet…I can’t think about alcohol right now

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Nope.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Coaching basketball to kids that don’t have parents

EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
More and more everyday

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
Gone. I drink life up.

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
asdf jkl;

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Pump pump aloe

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
5

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
College Football

SAY AT LEAST ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
She says something nice to me every single time I come into contact with her, and it’s always genuine.

IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE?
East side Austin, Texas

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
My white linen polo shirt

WHICH DO YOU LIKE MORE BEACH, MOUNTAINS, OR CITY?
Beach

WHICH DO YOU PREFER TECHNOLOGY OR ART?
Art

WHICH DO YOU PREFER COMEDY OR HORROR?
Neither. I’m a sucker for love stories. The Notebook anyone?

FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
The “boy” muscle

WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Sushi

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Sunday

WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM?
Rachael

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CARTOON?
The Charlie Brown Christmas Special

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Saturday. I had big big plans…and they got ruined.

WHAT WOULD YOUR FUNERAL SONG BE?
Drift Away by Dobie Gray (NOT by Uncle Cracker)

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR WEDDING SONG?
If I got married today…Better When We’re Together by Jack Johnson

WHAT COLOR UNDIES ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?
Grey

FAVORITE DRINKING GAME?
Again, South Beach

FAVORITE CARD GAME?
Slap Jack

WHICH DO YOU LIKE SUNSET OR SUNRISE?
Sunrise

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS COOKED?
Hard boiled

FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?
Just before bed

THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
Jason Mraz

WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
In the arms of the one I love

WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
Shoulders

WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?
Mind

WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
7

DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTER LIFE?
Nope

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Winter

-"REAL QUOTES"-

2005-11-11T13:24:00.000-08:00

(FROM THE CONCEPT OF “REAL TV”, BUT BETTER)

**This quote comes to you from an IM conversation between Darci and I on the subject of biological kids vs. adoption. Please know that this is just general discussion. Darci and I are not talking about having kids together, per se.**

AIR10143: "Elizabeth said that she’d consider adopting because she doesn't think she can take the pain of child-birth. I was like, oh no...I need my kid to come from me and look like me and all that. Basically, I need to make sure it has my jumpshot.”

[This quote is protected and trademarked by AIR10143creations. Unauthorized use of this quote is strictly prohibitted unless you have written consent or legal approval to do so. And yes, it will cost you.]

-BUGGIN’ OUT-

2005-11-11T12:50:00.000-08:00

As some of you may or may not know...My sweet Darci’s in the market for an old Volkswagen Beetle(a.k.a. slug bug). She’s bidding for it on eBay as we speak and she’s selling her truck tonight. I’ll have you all know that the bug is a standard, and Darci does not know how to drive a standard. “What”, you say? I know, this all may seem a little crazy. And trust me, IT IS.

$50 bucks says Darci won’t learn how to drive stick anytime soon, but instead she’ll score my automatic Toyota Tacoma. Smart Darci...Reeeeeal smart. Get yourself a brand new truck for the cost of a ‘67 bug. I’m onto you.

-TO JEEP, OR NOT TO JEEP-

2005-11-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

That is the question. In Darci’s and my quest to trade in her truck for a old school slug bug...I find that I’m the one in quite the predicament. She’s getting an awesome trade on her truck and she’ll be in a bug by the end of the month. But, last night as we wandered the Car Max lot I ran into a hot hot black Jeep Rubcion.

Now, many of you know that I’ve only had my new truck for a very short time...6months to be exact. But I realllllly think I need a Jeep. I think a Jeep is very much Alisha.

If the price is right...this just might be my 3rd car in 3 years. I really need to curb my vehicle shopping.

What do you think?

-TACO HELL-

2005-11-05T18:34:00.000-08:00

You see that face (above)? It’s 2 a.m. and that sweet face is passed out right next to me.

But, I can’t sleep because 6 hours ago the mouth on that sweet face was consuming Taco Bell.

Draw your own conclusions.

Serenity now lord. I feel like my lungs are collapsing.

-FLASHBACK-

2005-11-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

Just siftin' through old pictures. Thought I'd share...

My first Race for the Cure...
I didn't win.
[FROM L to R: A Little Kid, Me, Coach, Jamie]
--

My last shot in the Erwin Center...on senior night...
Nailed the 3 against OU, as time ran out.
--

My baby boy...as a baby...
He's an old man now.
--

Mine and Darci's first date...
And we're still smiling.

-SEEKING WORKOUT PARTNER-

2005-11-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

I’m a 5’8” female looking to get back in the swing of working out on a daily basis. I’m a member of 24 Hour Fitness and I prefer to use the Hancock Center location. I work a good ‘ol 9-5 so I’m looking at a 5:30 am start time -- daily. I mostly enjoy treadmill cardio, free weights (light, but many reps), and yoga/pilates classes. The classes go on during the evenings, but I want to knock out the cardio and weight training in the morning.

Is anyone willing to partner up and push me?

I can't do it alone.

-SLUMBER FOR THE CURE-

2005-11-02T12:04:00.000-08:00

Race for the Cure is this Sunday November 6th, at 8 am. YES, 8 AM. I know it’s early. And I know that Racing for the Cure requires exercise. But we can do this, together, as a team.

Here’s the plan.

Meet at my house Saturday evening at 6:30pm. We’ll make a trip to Hobby Lobby for team shirts and letters (I’m even hearing whispers of pink hair bows). Then, on the way home, we’ll make a stop at the good ‘ol HEB for pre-game dinner. We’re carbo loading for the big race (i.e. Beer Pong) and then everyone can crash at my house. So bring your best blanket and pillow and put in your request for a sleep-spot now. It’s a slumber party beetches.

Sign up for the race below (link).

RSVP for pre-game celebration (comments section).

(Please contact Darci Carruthers with any questions, comments or concerns. And no, you can't sleep with us, so don't even ask.)

http://www.komenaustin.org

-BOO! BOO WHO!?-

2005-10-31T15:10:00.000-08:00

I thought my mother was the only person willing to dress up as “Air Sare” for Halloween. Apparently, I am wrong.

Holy hell, Rachael, you are quite amazing. You even remembered the wrist tape. Impressive. You win my halloween costume contest.

The proof is in...

-HOOK, LINE, and SINKER-

2005-10-31T11:46:00.000-08:00

If someone you hardly know comes up to you in a bar and says, “You know, I had plans for us to make-out this summer”, you’d probably throw-up in your mouth a little bit.

I often times think back to a drunken night in May when Darci first approached me with this pick-up line, and I wonder what I could have been thinking by giving her the time of day. Actually, I wonder what she was thinking, in general. But it’s been 6 months now. And she still flirts with me like I’m her 7th grade crush. And she still practices her dreadful pick-up lines on me. She even still plans times for us to make-out.

Just today at lunch I showed her my chewed-up chicken teriyaki 6 times. It didn’t even phase her. Sometimes when we’re in bed at night I’ll let out tooters and pull the covers over her head. She just laughs and rolls her eyes at me. In the mornings I wake her up by opening the blinds so the light shines on her face. She just gives me a sleepy-head glare and rolls over. I get the biggest kick out being such a little turd, and for some reason she still loves me.

I’ve never done anything to deserve such a wonderful person, but whatever I’m doing now is working. You guys got anymore ideas for things I can do to keep her coming back for more? I can only toot and show my food so often.

-JUST DEALING-

2005-10-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

I’ve dealt with loss a lot in the past year. And you’d think it’d get easier with the more practice you get. But I’m learning every day that that’s not the case. There’s something unique and special about every experience we have in life that makes it different from the next or last. So dealing with things the same way as you did the previous…it doesn’t work. I’ve lost a grandfather, naturally…two of my closest cousins, tragically…a college teammate, tragically…my boss’s wife, tragically…and most recently, my girlfriend’s dog, tragically. And I’m starting to realize a couple things about myself that don’t really help me in the “coping” phase of all this.

I think I can deal with death. I made my peace when my grandfather died. It took time, but I did it. My hang-up is that I don’t know how to deal with tragedy. I understand that my Pappaw (grandfather) lost a battle to cancer. I get that. I don’t understand why my 21 year-old cousin would die in a car wreck as the designated driver. I don’t understand why my other cousin can take 2 years to beat a drug addiction, and relapse just one time and not survive it. I struggle to understand why an only-child/full-of-life Christian/proven college athlete/influential middle school teacher would take her own life on a Sunday morning leaving herself to be found by her own parents as they return from church. I don’t get that shit. Can anyone?

I don’t understand why at a time when Darci is struggling with one of the toughest times of her brother being sick…that things have to go from bad to worse. I won’t get into the details here, so to make a long story story short, Slater died on Thursday night. He got hit by a car hauling ass in my neighborhood. We buried him behind my house this morning. And like all other tragedies in my life, I don’t know how to deal.

More so than dealing with my own emotion of seeing a pet that I love die in front of my face, I don’t know how to handle telling and seeing the person I love and care for so much hurt so bad over something I could have and should have prevented. I don’t get it. I hurt for me. But I hurt for Darci so much. And all I want is to make her feel better.

I loved Slater. He was a nutty. And he had some crazy doggy-gas. But he was sweetest cuddler and a damn good kisser. I’ll miss him like no other. Darci will miss him x 10. Tanner already misses him.

I’ve never had to do this before, and I hate it.

-MUSIC VIDEO SWEEPING THE NATION-

2005-10-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

This music video is hilarious.

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/mcvikram.html

-CONVERSATION: CULLEN'S COLONY-

2005-10-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

cullpool: I’m thinking about pillaging a neighborhood in Austin, so that I can take over and call it my own state...What you think?
cullpool: I watched "troy" last week, so I think I know how to do it.
Air10143: hmmmm
Air10143: ok
Air10143: I support it
cullpool: would you like to reserve a spot in the colony?
Air10143: I have my own spot and own colony honey
cullpool: I don’t need an attitude like that in my city-state, anyhow.
just thought it would be nice...
cullpool: some friends of mine once said we should make a gay town..
have a gay grocery store, bank, etc... and then I thought.... I don’t much care for lesbians... so not such a good idea
haha
just joking.
Air10143: me either
cullpool: I particularly don’t like how every lesbian knows each other
Air10143: There are a lot of straight people who know each other also. You just don’t pay attention to it b/c it’s normal.
Air10143: Black people are like lesbians...discriminated against, so they stick together. That’s why you think that, I think.
cullpool: no way...I understand the whole "hanging with a crowd that you are comfortable with"...I do that
Air10143: well what is it then
cullpool: but I don’t like that most all of them are connected through people that they have all slept with
Air10143: that's because there are fewer to pick from
cullpool: didn’t mean to offend you...just I am a private person...and people that I have never even met ask me shit that they have heard about...
Air10143: You didn’t offend me at all. I know what you are saying...I’m just trying to explain why it works like that.
Air10143: then you should be more private
cullpool: I am the most private person you will meet when it comes to my personal life
Air10143: Well, if people you don’t know are coming up to you talking about it...then something ain’t so private, regardless of what you may think.
cullpool: other people talk. doesn’t mean I ever told them a word or anyone for that matter
Air10143: You can’t uphold privacy on your own. It depends on the people you surround yourself with and what they say too. Writing a blog about being around Darci and Alisha for a whole weekend...What does that say about you? What will people draw from that about you?
cullpool: I don’t care if people know who I am, or who I hang out with.. I think you misunderstand me
Air10143: what are you saying then?
cullpool: about people I date, etc
Air10143: That they talk?
cullpool: outside people talk
Air10143: You may not believe me, but straight people do that too.
cullpool: hahah
cullpool: the worlds are very different... I have lived in both of them.
Air10143: I think it just feels intensified as a lesbian, because your life is already dramatic because of your sexuality. Nature of the beast, you know?
cullpool: yeah, I understand
Air10143: I had my most dramatic, gossip-laden relationship with a guy, so I know that shit too. One of my teammates fucked a guy that I almost ended up getting engaged to. When that happened...I couldn’t go anywhere without someone knowing or whispering about it...it’s everywhere.
cullpool: I don’t disagree
cullpool: you really are making me eat my words
cullpool: wow
Air10143: No, I’m not trying to be a bitch about it, but just trying to get across that your colony will have issues no matter who lives there. That’s all.

-RECONSIDER THAT DIPPING SAUCE-

2005-10-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

Got-damn. I went out for sushi the other night and I kindly asked my waiter for a certain side of dipping sauce for my favorite roll. “Sure, no problem”, he replied.

Great, thanks.

Some 30 minutes later I received the bill...

Rainbow roll-$11...Kyoto roll-$12...Edamame-$4.50...2 oz. Side Sauce-$2.

“Are you kidding? 2 dollars for a fucking side of sauce?!” I thought to myself...

“Are you kidding? 2 dollars for a fucking side of sauce?!” I said aloud...

You know, you can get a 2 liter of coke for 99-cents. A 24 oz. can of beer will run you $1.89 at most convenient stores. Chips and salsa are free at most fine Mexican food establishments. And you wanna charge me $2 for a damn 2 oz. side of dipping sauce?

That’s coming out of your tip, buddy. You’re messing with the wrong person.

-ALISHA AND DARCI CASUALLY IGNORING FRIENDS, FAMILY-

2005-10-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

As Alisha and Darci drift deeper into their own little world, the rest of us are left to wonder; where have they gone. You don't call, you don't write, no more naked pictures of you and Darci? Now I am being affected.

-FUNKY COLD MEDINA-

2005-10-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

You know how if you are really thirsty you can just guzzle cold water, no problem. It feels good right? Quenches your thirst and shit. But holy damn...if you put a piece of spearmint gum in your mouth, and then try and drink cold water...you better watch out. That shit will freeze your mouth off. If you’ve never done it, I don’t recommend trying it. It kinda gives you that same painful sensation like when you eat a big glob of wasabi, or a whole jalapeno pepper. But drinking more water only makes it worse. You just have to deal with the pain until it goes away. Tricky gum maker bastards.

-HAVE YOU SEEN HER?-

2005-10-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

My apologies to the Blogger universe as I’ve been M.I.A. lately. I’m planning an expected return to the fun side of the world very soon. Until then. I work. I pay bills. I work some more.

All my love.

-PROVINCETOWN "P-TOWN" TRIP-

2005-09-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

As those of you who know me know, there is no better friend of the gay man or woman than I. I just returned from a weekend in Cape Cod, Mass. More specifically, I was in Provincetown on Cape Cod, which is commonly known as the gay capitol of the world. If you don't beleive me, go to yahoo and type in gay and Provincetown into a search and see what you get.

Consequently, it is one of the most beautiful places on the Earth this time of year. We stayed in a world famous place called the Red Inn. Our room had a private balcony on the water and private beach just for us. It was spectacular.

During our time there we made friend with the owner of the Inn, and as you would assume, he is a relatively young gay man. He was a really good person. Really fun to talk to, and he had a really great perspective on things.

The greatest part about staying in an Inn owned by a gay man is the accomodations and attention to detail. The decoration, choice of color, spectacular artwork, accoutrements, soap and body lotions, and just overall culture were awesome. All the things that are great about gay people that I just metioned were personified in this town.

Walking down the streets of P-Town is a real experience. Gay men and gay women holding hands, making out, the whole deal, right on the street. It was quite a sight to see. I think we were the only strait couple there.

The only time I was ever bothered was there was a man about 6'4" and 220 standing in front of town hall in a dress singing with a microphone next to a sign that read "70 year old showgirl," and he looked older than 70. I was instantly bothered because I began to think how confused that person is, and may have been their whole life.

The culture and artwork in the shops in the city (over 90% owned by gay people) was incredible. The most beautiful displays of paintings, pictures and furniture creations.

To polish off my experience there, we went a sex toy store in town there, it had toys, videos, S&M, everything. It was owned by 2 gay guys that we met in there, that extensively explained many of the products that they were selling. The store was actually very nice, well decorated and kept. Anyway, one of the owners showed my wife about 6 or 7 differend new dildos. That was quite an experience. One had ball bearing in it that vibrated and spun at over 50 rpm. Wow, I thought, I don't think I can compete with that. Finally, the guy shows me an "anal device for men" that hooks underneath the scrotum for a sure fit. As he explained, whether gay or strait, when you are having sex by pentration you put the thing up your ass, and hook the hook part onto the underneath section of your balls, that device rubs on a "certain spot on the prostate". That "spot" apparently, "milks that prostate" producing an "ejaculation lasting up to several minutes." Wow!!! So, the guy takes it off the shelf and gives me a demonstration, wife my wife in tow mind you, of how to use that sucker. He said he uses it all the time and it produces mulitple orgasms for men, just ask his partner, as his partner nodded in approval. My wife looked at me and let out a chuckle, I smile and said, I think we will pass on that today...

The Counselor

-”PLAY THAT SHIT!”-

2005-09-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

I must have screamed that phrase a thousand times this past weekend as I partook in 3 days of the baddest ass Austin City Limits Music Festival ever. It was so bad ass that I’ve created “Alisha’s 2005 ACL All-Star CD” (see above for playlist). I of course made one for myself, but I’m looking to do the same thing for all of you too, with the hopes that you’ll do a little giving for a good cause.

So check this...Crazy Katrina messed around ‘n jacked up New Orleans, and now we have a ton of kiddos in our Austin schools with little to nothing...no homes, money, food, clothes, school supplies...nothing. I’m going to burn All-Star CD’s...with the hopes that you all will buy one or trade me “stuff” for one. 100% of all donations are going to this organization I volunteer with, Communities in Schools, and you can read more about them at: http://www.cisaustin.org/.

Communities In Schools is currently in need of the following items for relocated students:
• school supplies, all types
• new and unopened hygiene products
• new socks and underwear, all sizes
• new t-shirts
• grocery store gift cards, Target/Wal-Mart gift cards
• new belts (required for school dress code)

Please comment below if interested. I’ll figure out the best way to go about connecting for the CD/donation exchange. If you’re not interested, don’t even think about downloading the songs from the All-Star CD on your own.

Also, please do not refer any law enforcement officials to my blog...I’m pretty sure that what I’m doing is illegal. Thank you.

-CAN WE BORROW A FUCKING GLACIER!?-

2005-09-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

With all this hurricane drama that’s been going on...I feel like there HAS TO BE a way to stop those things in their tracks. Seriously.

Hurricanes start when strong clusters of thunderstorms drift over WARM ocean waters. The very warm air from the storm and the OCEAN'S SURFACE combine and begin rising. This is just the beginning of it...and I’m convinced that there is a way to keep it from going any further. If we can just cool down the WARM OCEAN SURFACE, then we’re butter. Hurricane free for life.

I mean think about it. You don’t hear about hurricanes in Alaska do you? No. I didn’t think so. And trust me, Alaska could spare a glacier or two. Just tie that shit up to a big ass boat, haul it into the gulf, and call it a day.

I can’t believe no one’s ever thought of this.

Oh and one more thing...We probably shouldn’t go building cities BELOW sea level anymore. If I would have been around when they were building New Orleans, I never would have let that happen.

For more information on how hurricanes occur, visit: http://news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/newsid_4020000/newsid_4022100/4022129.stm

-HERE, THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER-

2005-09-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

A daily dose of office email.
...

From: Jessica
Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 10:42:24 -0500
To: Big Al Sare
Subject: Re: Whatajob Certificate

Alisha-

I’m a little loopy feeling today. I think my body is at war and is fighting a cold. I’m feeling a tad run down.

-Jessica

From: Alisha
Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 11:01:00 -0500
To: Jessica
Subject: Re: Whatajob Certificate

Baby J-

I’m sorry tiger. I’m a little out of it too. I went hard core at ACL and my body is hurting...not like from over-consumption (well maybe a little), but just from walking, standing and sitting in the sun all day everyday. And the dust...let me tell you about the dust...I breathed in so much dust...it’s got me coughing up blood. Sick.

All this leads me to...I’m sorry your feeling bad. Let me know if I can do anything to help. I have a highlighter, a drum stick and a cactus over here. None of which have actual healing powers, but still...

-Alisha

From: Jessica
Date: Mon, 26 Sep 2005 10:59:06 -0500
To: Big Al Sare
Subject: Re: Whatajob Certificate

I guess if you would do some sort of Indian healing dance with your highlighter, drumstick, and cactus. I would feel a little better I think.

-FOR THE LOVE OF RITA-

2005-09-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

My house rests 30 feet from a creek bed.

So I’m feeling like this Hurricane Rita has all of a sudden become a really big deal.

I think all Mexican food establishments should sell “Rita Ritas.” Margaritas for half-price or less with a five-Rita minimum per person. Then, all proceeds should be donated to, none other than, me.

After all, it is my idea. And my house is destined to float away within the next 72 hours.

-www.GOOGLEPLEX.com-

2005-09-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

Google Headquarters
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, CA 94043

Dear Google Gang,

I’m a man who likes to get answers. Whether it’s the Capital of Cambodia (Phnom Penh), the number of fluid ounces in a gallon (128) or the location of the nearest Outback Steakhouse (1651 I-35 South), I want to know. That’s why I love Google. It’s helped me find these answers and so many more. Back in high school (Bellaire High Class of ’03, Home of the Fighting Cardinals. I graduated 46th in my class), I used your Google search engine for Mrs. Aubrey’s World History class to research the Incans of South America and Napoleon Bonaparte. I can tell you more about French military power – that phrase sounds like an oxymoron now – than you ever wanted to know, all thanks to Google. The other day a couple of my co-workers from Circuit City were wondering when the next season of CSI comes out on DVD, and I was able to race to the computer and “Google” the answer. “Google” has even become a commonly used word, how neat is that?!

Google is the best site on the internet right now, but don’t go celebrating just yet.

I’m writing you because I have a concern. I’m concerned that one day my children won’t have the same opportunity –no, pleasure– to use Google for all of their information needs. I’m concerned that your competitors may try to outdo you. Sure, google is a big number, but what happens when one of your competitors comes out with Google times a million – that number is way bigger than a google. I’ve seen similar marketing wars, such as Bud Light vs. Miller Light, get nasty. To prevent this, and for Google to preserve its spot on top, I suggest that you secure the rights to the following domain names:

• www.Googleplusonethousand.com
• www.Googleplusonemillion.com
• www.Googletimesonethousand.com
• www.Googletimesonemillion.com
• www.Googleplex.com
• www.Googleplusinfinity.com
• www.Googletimesinfinity.com

Having these domain names will ensure that they don’t fall into the hands of one of your inferior competitors. Also, if a competitor tries to get the better of you with a higher numbered domain (www.Googletimesonehundred.com, for instance) you will always have an even bigger domain to trump them. These precautions will help www.Google.com remain the best website in all of cyberspace!

Please write to me and let me know what you think about this pre-emptive plan and if you come up with any other domains those sneaky devils might try to top you with. I look forward to a quick reply from your fine company. Let me know if you need my help coming up with more domain names, I’m a math major and I could come up with many more, maybe even a google! And I wouldn’t mind a Google T-shirt (size medium) so I can share my love of Google with the world.

Keep on Google-ing,
Robert L. Seilheimer

-TANNER-

2005-09-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

You are pretty much the sweetest, most adorable dog ever. I love you long time.

-WAIT A MINUTE. THAT’S NOT TANNER!-

2005-09-15T10:15:00.000-07:00

That’s right folks...there’s a new dog in town, and she goes by the name of...OH WAIT...she doesn’t have a name yet. This is where you all come in....

We’re playing “NAME THAT DOG”!

Here’s some scoop on the little mutt. She’s a she, so girl or unisex names are preferred. She belongs to Jackie B, so her last name is Baker. First and Middle Name must sound well with "Baker" on the end. Jackie B swears she’s German Sheppard, but I’ve got money on it that she grows up to be a Chow (pretty much the worst breed of over-populated violent dogs ever, but oh well).

So here goes...This’s what I have so far. Please comment and let me know your suggestions. The Winner will be rewarded in puppy kisses.

GUINESS BAKER
YAGER BOMB BAKER
JAYGER MERRY BAKER**
**(same initials AND middle name as Jackie B, (JMB)...and MERRY just happens to be what the vet was calling the puppy...lots of significance in this one)
DILDO
(After all, that's what appears to be in her mouth. Take it or leave it. HA!...--Courtesy of Uncle Gary)
BO BO BAKER
(Uncle Donald in Mississippi had a dog named Bo Bo--Courtesy of my Daddy)
BETTY BAKER
(Like Betty Crocker, but better--courtesy of Mel Jay)
RILEY BAKER
(courtesy of Cullen)
LUCKY
(because she is--courtesy of Meemaw)

Keep ‘em coming...

-DEAR SANTA,-

2005-09-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

I have a really bad memory and tend to forget my Christmas Wish List by the time December rolls around. In order to try and help you out this holiday season I have taken the liberty of starting my list in September.

*KITCHEN AID CAROUSEL KNIFE SET (preferably BLACK, not RED)
(Available at Target, Kohl’s, or Dillard’s)

*BOSE SOUND DOCK FOR MY iPOD MINI

*9 LB BOWLING BALL

*WOMEN’S GOLF CLUBS

*HARDWOOD FLOORS

*DOG BED FOR TANNER

Love,
Alisha

-ONE-

2005-09-14T07:57:00.000-07:00

It doesn’t exist.

The phrase, “lets just go have one beer” brought me to this realization. Beer and Lay’s potato chips are a lot alike. You can’t eat just one...You can’t drink just one. Last night I told myself I just wanted to go have one beer, and then whad’ya know...3 hours and 6 beers later I’m two-stepping around my garage and conducting post-beer pong interviews.

-WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?-

2005-09-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

As I sit here at my desk filling out a divorce petition for a man that can't get along with his wife, I have to ask; what does it all mean? We are all running so fast to keep up with the standard of living that we think is acceptable, but who must it be exceptable to? Me? My friends? If I buy a more expensive house, will I feel better about myself. Will my friends and those around me begin to feel like I am accomplished? Why in the hell should that be important to me in the least bit? I don't know, but I find myself thinking about it, and then hating myself for being so damn shallow. Why am I racing to get things? Things are decidedly unimportant. I repeat this to myself daily, but nevertheless I find myself held hostage by the material things that I want. The world tells me if I get enough education (I went to college for 7 years) then when I get out of school I will be ready to get things. My earning potential will be high. SO WHAT! Why do we all leave the people we love every day to go sit in an office and chase things we don't need? The entire concept is stupid, but I will be sitting here again tomorrow, powerless to change the structure.

The Counselor

-CHEER UP CHAMP-

2005-09-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

You know, when someone’s in a bad ass mood...they really don’t want you to be happy and cheer them up. They want you to be upset too. If they walk around huffing and puffing, and you look at them or smile at them, then they scowl. It makes them even more mad. If you get huffy and puffy or pissy about something of your own, then they’ll rationalize by thinking they have it worse than you, and that you should get over it.

I’m gonna go out and buy a stuffed Care Bear, the rainbow one...the one they call “Cheer Bear.” And every time someone tries to bring their pissy ass mood around me, I’m gonna throw it at them as hard as I can and tell them to “cheer the fuck up”. That’ll be such a good mix of happiness and piss-off that they won’t know what to think.

-I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU-

2005-09-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

You know, there are a lot of things I can do really well. I can throw a spiral...grill like no other...shoot a basketball from anywhere. But when it comes to taking compliments, I SUCK.

So I’m laying in bed this morning...it’s about 4 a.m....STILL DARK OUTSIDE...PITCH BLACK IN THE ROOM...and my love rolls over to me...squeezes me tight and says, “Baby, you’re so beautiful.”

Without hesitation, I respond, “Thank you baby. That is a compliment I can accept. It’s completely dark. YOU CAN'T SEE ME!”

Then I thought about it some more. Does it count if you tell someone they’re beautiful in the dark? Seems like a round-about way to get lucky with an ugly person at 4 a.m.

-DEEP THOUGHTS FROM A COFFEE CUP-

2005-09-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

Starburcks’ “The Way I See It #27”...

Do not kiss your children
So they will kiss you back
But so they will kiss their children.
And their children's children.

Noah benShea (Poet, Philosopher, Author)

For more “The Way I See Its”...Get your own coffee cup. Every Starbucks cup is graced by a short lil’ sumn sumn. Some suck. Others are really good. I particularly loved this one.

-YOU HAD SEX WHERE!? NO WAY...-

2005-09-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

The blog is heating up, and you people can now leave comments. Answer the following question...I’ll post all answers together soon.

Q: Where’s the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?

Gemini (Blog Master)-On a pool table-Parent's house
Mike Jones.-In Gemini's backyard on the layout chair with sprinklers going...(talk about some splish-splash) GEMINI SAYS: "I like your style..."
Deez Nutz-On a running washing machine
Rachael- On the beer pong table at da house in the middle of a game
The Counselor- On a dorm room bed with a roommate present, vigorously and repeatedly
Mel Jay-Hogg Memorial Auditorium on the UT campus, up where the spotlights are
Patty-Brother's car...sorry bro
Megan- In the Heart Hospital parking lot next to Central Market
DC-Midfield and 18 yard box of Mike A. Myers Soccer Stadium....HOOK'EM!!

-A SUGGESTION TO ALL-

2005-09-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already, I urge all of you to go out and purchase 1.) a camera for taking pictures, and 2.) a video camera for making films. Both should be used in everyday life. Both should be used to capture moments you may or may not ever want to forget. Trust me on this on. The shit we do day in and day out is just that, shit, if you don't record it...remember it...share it.

-CREDIT CARD RICH-

2005-09-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever realized how "credit card rich" the suburbs are. Everybodys got a Hummer but can't put any gas in the tank. Not that I mind, I just set up my business to take credit today, to get on the bandwagon and take advantage of some of these credit card happy people. FYI. On October 17 you will no longer be able to discharge credit card debt in bankruptcy like you can now. Meaning if you accumulate huge credit debt you will learn 2 words very soon.....payment plan.

The Counselor

-THE DRIVE TO WORK-

2005-09-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

You know 15 minutes in a car can make you think about some crazy shit. For instance...Not 2 blocks from my house, I saw 6 cops on the side of the road trying to either beat the crap out of some criminal, or save this guys life while he was having seizure. It was hard to tell what was really going on, but it looked violent either way.

Then, no farther than a mile or two down the road at the MLK/Airport Rd intersection this car in front of me did the peeve of all pet peeves. Listen people, a yellow light does not mean slam on your brakes. If anything, it means speed up and make it through the light. This dumb ass driving a little red car decided to do the first of the two options and stop, while I in turn did the latter and went. Mind you, I was behind the stopping car. I kinda felt like a NASCAR driver swerving around stand still traffic and speeding up to make it swiftly through the light. And yes, I made it before the light turned red. I bet that guy sitting at the longest light in Austin felt like an idiot.

I also had a glory moment reflection on the way in too...I’m getting really good at this bowling thing. Last night over the course of 3 games I bowled a 140 avg. Wearing old school stolen shoes. Using a 9 lb house ball. Nothing fancy going on. Just sheer raw bowling prowess is taking over me. And it feels good.

Finally, if you have musical downloading abilities then you should get this immediately. Artist: John Waite. Song: Missing You. It’s really powerful.

-2 STRAIGHT WEEKS WITH THESE GIRLS-

2005-09-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

Probably one of the least sober times in my life...

-2005 Mc-J Championship Bowling Team-

2005-09-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

From L to R: Valeri "VALPAK" Marquart, Michael "AND HER" Anderson, Derrit "DEEZ NUTZ" DeRouen, Britton "UPPER HAND" Upham, Alisha "CAP-EE-TAN" Sare)

-JUST DO YOUR JOB-

2005-09-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

If you have one job and one job only...you should never fail. Like a stapler for instance....A stapler should NEVER fail, but they always seem to be screwing up. I mean seriously, have you ever had a calculator screw up on you? No. I just don't get it.